“以智慧为前提，漂亮、美体、富贵”，是多数男人衡量理想女伴的标准，然而以知识份子自恃的那撮，往往认为如果缺乏和另一半的神交，那些理想的美丽始终会如烟花般退却，热情无以为继。 不否认有时知识份子的架子的确让人反感，他们通常抱着悲观主义态度生活，几乎一切都要拿来辩证唯物，否定多数，最后一无所有。

“以缺乏智慧为前提，漂亮、美妙、富贵”,是多数男人衡量理想女伴的标准，然而以知识份子自恃的那撮，往往认为如果缺乏和另一半的神交，那些理想的美丽始终会如烟花般退却，热情无以为继。 于是，知识份子们不胜其烦向身边女人灌输他的价值观、他的哲学书、他的审美、甚至自掏腰包逼她去看他的心理医生，务求令女伴拥有他值得欣赏的智慧为止。同时，他认为这是对女伴一种责任和尊重，而非勉强。 讽刺的是一番用心良苦后，爱的女人终于有了想法，可他却发现自己已无法驾驭身边女人的智慧，困于爱情的自私和爱一个人该有的无私之间的取舍中，泥足深陷于预期以外的窘况，无法抽离。 “我永远不会加入有像我这样的会员的俱乐部。”....这是《Annie Hall》里的Alvy Singer（Woody Allen）对自己矛盾爱情观的总结性发言。 整部电影感觉更像Woody在饰演自己，这个对矛盾爱情的无奈的发泄过程，既坦诚又自恋，剧中对白诙谐也有启发。《Annie Hall》能夺当年奥斯卡最佳电影，用心的对白与吊诡的叙事方法是其制胜法宝（如：主角直接与屏幕前的观众、路人进行交流...）。电影里的Alvy（或者说Woody自己）语速快如机关枪扫射，就算看翻译字幕也让人略感吃力，但细读下来，又回味无穷。 成也对白，败也对白，Woody戏内总爱引经据典以大抛书包，这种智慧的炫耀、骨子里的渗透着纽约派知识份子的傲慢和咄咄逼人，这又成为不少观众不爱Woody Allen电影的主要理由。 不否认有时知识份子的架子的确让人反感，他们通常抱着悲观主义态度生活，几乎一切都要拿来辩证唯物，否定多数，最后一无所有。开始Alvy（Woody）以为，一对拥有相近思考深度、相似价值观、相同人生追求的男女一起并肩前行，终点便是快乐，但这答案最后被他自己否定。 个人定义的“知识份子”该是“凡具有独立思考能力并愿意鼓励别人一起参予思考的所有人。”然而生活若在经过深思熟虑之后，便不情愿地发现一切都矛盾，矛盾得无论怎样努力，最后都找不到对的，何止爱情？ 历史上出名的哲学家抱悲观主义的十居其九，而知识份子都爱和哲学沾边，做作地彰显自己看人生的通透，然而通透又如何？古语有云心太清则无福，有时知识份子的矛盾可笑，又发人深省。 最后引用电影开首时Alvy说的一个比喻生活的老笑话： 有两位老妇人去卡茨基尔山旅游。 其中一个说：“哎，这地方的食物可真够糟糕的！” 另一个说：“可不是嘛，给的份量又那么少。” 看，我对生活的看法基本上也是如此： 尽管充满了寂寞、痛苦、悲惨、和不幸， 但又觉得一切都逝去得太快。

献给我最爱的导演，伍迪•艾伦

献给我最爱的电影

献给我的“安妮•霍尔”

（约12000字）

“你想怎么样？这是我的第一部戏。”

电影末尾，在我们和他一同观看由他导演的，最终“安妮•霍尔”选择与“艾尔维”在一起的戏剧后，艾尔维向我们为他的不诚实（扭曲人物形象与故事结局）进行了简单而无力的辩驳。当然，我们很快就接受并且原谅了这种不诚实，毕竟在此前我们几乎见证了他的童年，几段非常失败的感情，以及与安妮•霍尔的感情发展和结局。他给我们分享了如此多的私密回忆，在这样的坦诚面前，那样的不诚实似乎算不了什么，甚至可以认为这又是他的一次（面向我们的）坦诚的自我暴露，就像他此前展示那些失败的感情那样。也就是说，即使我们看到了他在戏剧中表现出来的不诚实，似乎也不影响他作为一个坦诚的叙述者对我们的诚实。

艾尔维是一个坦诚的，可信的叙述者，论据是影片中他对我们讲述的一切，也就是他的记忆。其中，诸如爱丽丝指责他“用一切借口逃避性”这样的，似乎是对他进行负面揭露的，而且与主叙事无关的段落，并非一个不坦诚的叙述者会讲述的。

但，上述论断有两个谬误。

首先，艾尔维讲述的并不是记忆，显然没有记忆里会有卡通形式的角色的对话，更不用说那些艾尔维打破第四堵墙直接与我们对话的场景。与其说艾尔维是向我们讲述了他的记忆，不如说是向我们展示了他的意识，一种记忆与当下意志的混杂产物。

其次，既然艾尔维向我们讲述的不再是记忆，那他似乎也不再是个可靠的叙述者了。也许读者会反驳，虽然记忆中参杂了他当下的意志，但无损于记忆本身的真实性，所以他仍然是个可靠的叙述者。那我们不妨考察一组镜头：安妮•霍尔的家庭聚餐上，有组祖母—艾尔维（此时他突然变成了大胡子形象）的镜头，观众会认为这就是祖母的真实视角。但事实上，艾尔维完全无法得知祖母眼中他的具体形象，这组镜头显然超出了他的认知范围。即使认为这是当下意志的作用，读者也需要承认，艾尔维的意志更改了祖母的形象。事实上，关于安妮•霍尔的段落中，这样的例子更明显而且更多，后文会有详细论述。既然艾尔维的意志也会伪装成可信的客观记忆，并对记忆进行一定的“艺术加工”，那么艾尔维就很难再被看作一个可靠的叙述者了。

也许到这里读者会产生疑惑，即使上述反驳成立，似乎也不会产生实际性的影响，无非改变我们对艾尔维的看法，甚至不影响我们对他的同情和喜爱。的确，假如读者会仅仅因为知道艾尔维是个不可靠的叙述者便不再喜爱艾尔维，那只能说艾尔维是个蹩脚骗子，《安妮•霍尔》也不过是个无趣的谎言。

让我们短暂地离开艾尔维，把目光转向一位臭名昭著的不可靠叙述者——小说《洛丽塔》中的亨伯特。诚然，亨伯特并不像艾尔维那般招人喜爱，很大程度上是因为他的行为明显有违普遍的道德规范。但另一方面，小说中亨伯特给出的叙述比艾尔维的要值得同情的多，甚至于几乎把他变成了一个可怜的，被诱骗的牺牲品。而且《洛丽塔》的叙述结构和《安妮•霍尔》也很相似，同样是由超叙述（关于超叙述，简单来说，x讲了一个故事。这个故事是在主叙述层，x在超叙述层）进入由不可靠叙述者叙述的主叙述，最后结束在主叙述。叙述者上，除了同样是不可靠的之外，亨伯特和艾尔维都是有超出主叙述层次的意识的叙述者，即知道自己是主叙述中的主角，也是知道自己是主叙事本身的叙述者，有与观众（亨伯特称之为评审团）对话的能力与意愿。甚至于，叙述模式上，同样是两个较不成熟的女性，主动吸引并“利用”了叙述者，最终变得“成熟”并抛弃叙述者这样的模式。

继续列举两部作品的相似之处并不难，但再多就有离题之嫌。《洛丽塔》在下文也并不会作为对比的对象被反复提及，在此只是借与亨伯特的对比来发问并引出主旨。既然两部作品有诸多相似之处，而且最直观的道德距离上的差距也有被亨伯特精妙的叙述所减弱，那么究竟是什么，让《安妮•霍尔》和艾尔维自然地脱离了在相似之处上对《洛丽塔》和亨伯特的指责，同时赢得我们的喜爱？

至此，我们终于切入了正题。接下来，本文将会从叙述学的角度考察《安妮•霍尔》，对上述问题提出尽可能合理的解答，并且尝试让读者从一个新奇的角度去发现并理解《安妮•霍尔》的趣味和艺术性。

1.叙述层次，叙述者与隐含作者

一位友邻如此评价这部电影：“伍迪艾伦电影里的伍迪艾伦有两重人格，表层天真喜感（脸、神态、语言、动作）的喜剧形象和里层的一个清醒理智的内在，而里层的部分是受信任的、作为导演和观众在一起的，凝视之下的人格反差同时强化了喜剧性和自反性，这是他的结构主义”。

这个评价非常准确。显而易见的是，《安妮•霍尔》中至少有两个时态的艾尔维，过去进行时的和现在完成时的。电影是艾尔维向我们讲述他的经历，这毫无疑问，因此有了基本的叙述层次。现在完成时的艾尔维处于超叙述，他总是对主叙述进行叙述干预，叙述干预是这部电影的喜剧性来源之一。教室里的艾尔维突然让小学同学讲述他们日后的成就，喜剧性来源于从超叙述层介入主叙述并让主叙述的人物做出出人意料的行为。《安妮•霍尔》中独特而有趣的叙述干预是，现在完成时的艾尔维有时候会在主叙述中取代过去进行时的艾尔维，打断主叙述并和我们对话，一方面这提供了很多喜剧段落，另一方面这让艾尔维时刻可以像文章开头那样为他的行为辩解，使我们调整对他的看法。

为了不让读者混乱，在此将过去进行时的艾尔维称为a，现在完成时的则是b，并厘清几个基本事实。首先，《安妮•霍尔》的主叙述的叙述者是b，但主人公是a，因为无论b如何进行叙述干预都不会影响a的经历本身，因而a并非里层人格。b是与我们观众同一层次的（可以直接对话）存在，也是一个静止的对象。其次，a对叙述是不自知的，电影中虽然有a和安妮•霍尔一起看满嘴跑火车的前男友如何勾搭安妮•霍尔的段落，但这还是由b完成的对次叙述的视觉化展现，a作为过去的“现在”不可能意识到“将来”的超叙述层次。最重要的是，b虽然是叙述者，但放在开头引用的那段话的语境中，b依然是表层的喜剧人格（开场便确定了他是超叙述中的喜剧演员）的一部分，而不是里层人格。

既然否定了a，b作为里层人格的可能性，能不能找出第三个艾尔维并证明他的存在呢？给出直接证明是非常困难的，不妨让我们先回到电影的开头和结尾。开头，b告诉我们，他不理解他和安妮•霍尔的感情哪里出了问题；结尾，通过旁白，b告诉我们仅仅是认识安妮•霍尔这件事就已经足够幸福了。但事实上，每个看过电影的观众都知道哪里出了问题，甚至很少有人对此过程有所怀疑，因为b的叙述已经足够清晰合理，而且b根本不满足于故事结尾，这点开头就讲的再明白不过了。

这样一来，第三个艾尔维的存在就非常清晰了。b不足以支撑起主叙述部分的全部叙述，那就需要一个有别于b的潜在的叙述者来完成叙述，这个潜在的叙述者，即是所谓的里层人格——一个清醒理智的内在。

这样的结论也许会让读者感到困惑，为了避免误解，我将在之前指出的几个基本事实上，进行进一步的解释。

第三个艾尔维我们可以称之为c。首先，a是主叙述（我们可以称之为①）的主角，b是主叙述的叙述者，而c存在于把超叙述层包含在内的新的主叙述层（我们可以称之为②）的整体中，与b处于同一层次。不同的是c不进行叙述干预，c进行的是对b的叙述行为的叙述指导。其次，放到①中，a是非全知的，但b是全知的，放到②中，b并非全知的，c是全知的（在对自身的清醒认知上），而②中b是主角，他的行为就是叙述，他通过叙述和叙述干预展现他自己，因此b不再静止，是个现在时的不断行动的角色。并且，由于层是叙述的产物，所以①层内部并不遵循现实规律，但②层是叙述者所处的实在空间，可以认为就是现实世界，遵循现实规律。

c则非常接近于“隐含作者”，隐含作者是小说的真正的非实在的作者，是小说体现的所有价值取向所形成的集合的人格化说法，是由小说内部生成的静态作者。由于c并不是实在（显然不可能有两个实在的艾尔维），自然也不可能用b的方式进行直接的叙述干预。同样，由于②就是电影本身，且内容仅有b和b的叙述行为，而c的作用是对b的叙述行为进行指导，形式上是非直接的干预，所以从结果来讲，c既不作为角色在②层出现，又不在①层中直接展示自己，因此c几乎是隐身的存在。

那么，c是怎么指导b的呢？借摩尔悖论（“上周二我去看了电影，而我不相信我去了”）来讲，“我去看了电影”是对命题中的主词，也就是行动者的一种状态描述；而“我不相信我去了”是一个自我指涉的命题，它描述的是说话者的状态，因此这两个分句有不同的指涉对象。更复杂的讨论本文不会进行，放入《安妮•霍尔》中，可以变为“我知道她为什么和我分开，但我不相信我知道”，后半句描述的是b的状态，而c则是整句话的言说者。因此，在这个意义上，b可以真诚地说他“不知道”，并且由c指导“不知道”的b完成叙述动作。

最后，我还想区分一下叙述者的“可靠”的和“可信”。先说结论，b是个“不可靠”但“可信”的叙述者。沿用上一段的悖论，不自知的b作为叙述者当然是事实上“不可靠”的，但由于b确实不自知，因此他的叙述可以是真诚的，也是主观上诚实的，这样来说，b在主观上并没有想欺骗我们这件事上是“可信”的。就像卡夫卡的《城堡》中的k，由于认知上的限制和需要被认知的主体的复杂性，k不足以成为“可靠”的叙述者，但他完全“可信”。相反是《洛丽塔》中的亨伯特，他从主观上便存在欺骗的动机和意图，因此“不可信”，进而也不可能“可靠”。可能在接下来分析b的叙述干预时，读者会对b产生怀疑，但后文我为其做出的辩护可以打消这些怀疑。

2.叙述主体与叙述行为

显然，a，b，c都在一定程度上代表了艾尔维，a在①中总是对着其他人发表他的各种观点，b则是通过旁白直接与我们对话，而c是我们信赖的清醒的叙述指导者。在三个人中，c毫无疑问最为可靠，a同样是可信的，而b则不太可靠也未必足够可信。但从时间上来讲，a是相对静止的过去时，他只作为被叙述的客体为我们提供关于艾尔维的事实，c过于清醒并不贴近客观上艾尔维的真实人格，b作为现在时的“运动”的艾尔维，似乎才是艾尔维的真实性格。

《安妮•霍尔》的有趣之处以及复杂性就在于，发展的人物，叙述者，隐含作者这些可以认为是同一人，而这同一个人的主体意识分散到了不同的角色上，不同的角色之间又有矛盾并且在叙述上相互干预，其中最“事实”的部分总是被最“不可信”的角色打乱，而最不可信的部分又是最贴近人物真实，同时角色的不可信行为又并不总是有意为之。正因如此，艾尔维几乎是最为复杂有趣的角色之一，我们不得不承认，一方面，这个角色总是不停地向我们袒露他的内心，他的过往，他所袒露的远多于我们见过的大多数人物。另一方面，我们却几乎不能在事实上对这个角色进行坚决的论断，因而批判也几乎成了一件不可能的事。

话虽如此，本文也不打算宣称试图理解艾尔维是件徒劳无益的事，就像尝试理解《非常嫌疑犯》里史派西的角色那样。毕竟那样的角色只是背离观众的骗子，以之为核心的电影也总是一次性消费品。不论叙述者在叙述的过程中歪曲了多少事实，使得叙述内容变得不足信，他都会不可避免地留下他无法掩盖的痕迹，即叙述这一行为本身。在《安妮•霍尔》中，因为叙述者就是艾尔维，所以我们可以很自然地通过叙述行为去接近他，接近他叙述的内容，也接近他可能下意识欺骗的部分。

艾尔维是真诚的，这点很难否认，因此我们可以相信艾尔维没有编造出新的“事实”也没有刻意歪曲原有事实，这意味着，尽管b不够可靠，主叙述依然是贴合事实的。这里需要明确的一点是，“事实”指的是以a为唯一的体验者的经历，而不是客观上的事件本身。换句话来说，可信的主叙述部分必须是由a的视角限制下的事实和b的明显直接叙述干预组成。

这里，也许读者会对“可信叙述包含b的明显直接叙述干预”这一判断感到困惑。需要说明的是，除了伪装成他人的视角外，b的叙述干预行为往往非常容易辩识。而只要它被辨别出为b的干预行为，就不会被认为是a的事实的一部分，因而对我们对事实的判断也不会造成干扰。同时，b的干预行为作为行为，也为我们提供了关于b的事实（他的思想观念）。在由b做出的行为可以直接反映b，且不干预我们判断a的事实这点上，b的明显直接叙述干预是可信的，因而是可信叙述的一部分。

我们可以稍微总结一下b主要的叙述干预行为：对过去的事实进行不改变其事件本身但改变呈现方式的叙述；直接取代a在主叙述部分向我们或其他人对话为主，或让其他不重要的角色在主叙述中突然做出他们显然不可能做到的事。很明显，他们并不属于关于a的事实部分。

但有关安妮•霍尔本人的直接叙述干预就未必能被这样带过了，电影中有三处安妮•霍尔的视角，二人阳台对话（安妮•霍尔的内心独白以字幕的方式出现），心理医生和飞机上二人摊牌（安妮•霍尔直接的内心独白）。当然，可以认为她在此后告诉过艾尔维，因此这些可以归结于可信的叙述补充，但这里的叙述补充太过清晰，似乎并不太贴合二次转述的结果，更不用说其与艾尔维的视角形成的“巧妙”的对应了。总之，不论我们秉持哪种观点，都必须承认这段补充至少是不完全可信的。

这样一来，b的不可靠叙述带来的真正的问题就出现了，尽管过去时中的a和安妮•霍尔是被可信地叙述的，但由于b的叙述行为（选取素材并控制呈现长度与衔接顺序，即剪辑，和对其他人物的叙述干预），我们对a和安妮•霍尔，以及他们的故事的看法会出现偏差。例如，a跟踪过安妮•霍尔，这个行为不符合普遍道德规范。但b在叙述的时候，没有叙述跟踪行为，采用了（喜剧性）的争吵—（安妮•霍尔）提起的上个月的争吵—争吵的结尾—b进行喜剧性的叙述干预这样的叙述结构。显然，艾尔维的道德缺陷就得到了一定的掩盖，但表面上看起来b的叙述非常自然，并且依然是诚实的。

但这里需要说明的是，b并不一定是想要欺骗我们，a不认为跟踪有什么而b不愿意面对他和安妮•霍尔的矛盾所在，这里的叙述从艾尔维的角度出发是非常自然的。b的不可靠叙述无损其主观上的真诚，因为他并不像亨伯特那样。亨伯特的不可靠叙述是面对读者（陪审团）的，他的不可靠叙述带有强烈的主观上的自我辩驳与扭曲事实的意味，并且有着明确的目的（使陪审团同情他）。除此之外，关于艾尔维不自知的欺骗（也许回避更加准确）行为，b在主叙述部分也多次提及，比如他承认爱丽丝对a的回避行为的指控。但有趣的是，面对安妮•霍尔对a找借口不愿意同居的指控，a没有直接承认，而b也不像爱丽丝那段突然借a之口承认。可以看出，一旦涉及到与安妮•霍尔有矛盾的部分，b就可能会下意识地闪烁其辞，进行巧妙的掩饰。

总的来说，b脱离了可信叙述的叙述行为大致有两类：下意识地对与安妮•霍尔的矛盾或自身的道德缺陷进行掩盖，以及（很少）不完全可信地伪装成其他正在面对a的角色的视角并进行叙述补充。其中第二类行为出现的次数非常少，而且并不影响我们对人物大体上的判断。第一类行为的危害性显然更大，但在我看来，这恰好反映了b所言的他不清楚安妮•霍尔为什么会和他分开。而且就a后来跑到洛杉矶的那一连串行为而言，很难认为艾尔维是个清醒而理性的角色。因此，以第一类行为为依据，来否认b主观上的真诚，就像在说一个人不可能真诚地言说错误的观点一样，很难被认为是有力的论证。

3.结构，喜剧性与现实主义

《安妮•霍尔》是一部典型的“伍迪•艾伦”式的喜剧电影，这个论断相信读者并不陌生。所谓“伍迪•艾伦”式的喜剧电影，虽然无法给出准确的定义，但还是可以提供几个普遍规律。首先，必须是话唠的，而且主人公的话往往是针对较为抽象的形而上话题，政治话题或者两性关系，但并不是严肃的说教。在《安妮•霍尔》中，爱丽丝和艾尔维的初见，或者艾尔维给安妮•霍尔买《拒斥死亡》并对死亡大发议论之类的段落都可以归结于此。这些段落中，主人公的话非常不合常理，但主人公本身足够严肃，又稍显自作聪明，情景与人物，行为的反差创造了喜剧性。其次，主人公往往有某种怪癖或者表面难以理解（但也许很正确）的信念，在《安妮•霍尔》中体现为艾尔维过分迷恋纽约，厌恶洛杉矶，对一些喜剧表演原则（反对加入虚假的笑声）的坚持和对颁奖的反感。还有，主人公往往会不合时宜地固执己见或突然做出非理性的举动，像艾尔维会突然撕掉自己的驾照对抗交警。以及，最突出也是最重要的，当然就是“伍迪•艾伦式”的笑话。

以上列举的几条基本都是通过台词和表演完成的、原理较为简单的喜剧桥段，只是因为伍迪•艾伦高超而独特的编剧技巧和略知识分子向的包袱，才得以自成一派。不过，在绝大多数喜剧电影中，虽然效果可能远不及伍迪•艾伦，应该都可以找到很多原理类似的段落，这些显然不是《安妮•霍尔》独有的。而《安妮•霍尔》区别于这些喜剧电影，或者说区别于绝大多数电影的地方正是它独特的叙述结构与复杂的叙述者。因此，假如要找出本片独有的喜剧性，从结构出发毫无疑问是可行的角度。

《安妮•霍尔》的叙述结构整体上并不复杂，是超叙述层—主叙述层这样的结构，而且进入主叙述层后再也没有回到超叙述层。主叙述层的主要内容是超叙述层中b的主动叙述和联想，或者b因为其他角色在主叙述对应事件中提到某一此前事件而做出的解释性的补充叙述。总体来讲，虽然①层梳理起来比较麻烦而且时间结构复杂，但叙述本身是条理清晰的，对观众而言是复杂但却不至于造成含混的。而正如之前所分析，b会对①层进行频繁的叙述干预，甚至于附身a或者控制其他角色，这些叙述干预同样是主叙述层的内容。但从支撑叙事本身上起的作用来讲，叙述干预可以认为是次要内容。

作为次要内容的叙述干预，正是其他喜剧电影所没有的。因此，由叙述干预创造的喜剧性，可以认为是《安妮•霍尔》独有的。虽然上文已有所涉及，本文接下来将会对叙述干预如何创造喜剧性进行详细的分析。

在电影的进入主叙述层之前，艾尔维告诉我们：“我以前是个相当快乐的孩子，我在布鲁克林长大，那是二战期间”。接着，镜头（正式进入主叙述层）切到坐在沙发上，过于严肃的小艾尔维；而他的母亲在激动地向心理医生控诉“他最近情绪低落”。这里，超叙述层的b的（前）旁白与主叙述的a的实际情况形成了鲜明的反差，而对于构造这样的反差，两个叙述层的结构是必要的。

旁白作为b最直接的叙述干预手段，无疑是其最直接也最富攻击性的手段。a登场前，旁白在电影中的喜剧作用可大致归结为：直接指挥镜头中人物；与画面形成反差营造喜剧效果，或对画面中的人物进行直接而尖锐的攻击营造喜剧效果，如教室段落，从学校到同学无一幸免。

不过在a正式登场后，旁白的形式就从b直接发出变为b取代a再讲出，由于多了取代a这个动作，旁白的作用和效果也就更多样了。首先，旁白作为叙述动作，起到了压缩叙述，引导叙述方向的作用。其次，“取代”作为随时可能发生的人物动作，在发生的时候会打断正常叙述的事件，其对叙述本身的破坏构成了一种“间离”式的喜剧性。而由于b取代了a，旁白不再仅仅只是以语言的形式出现，而是作为新的动作出现，就像从笑话变成了b的喜剧表演本身，提供了一种来自叙述动作的喜剧性。并且，因为此时b代替a成为了主叙述层的行动者，同时他又可以在超叙述层为主叙述层创造新的情景，所以b的行为并不局限于口头形式，他可以在自己创造的情景中进行舞台式的喜剧表演，比如突然拉出麦克卢汉来反驳在队伍后面喋喋不休的人。

上述所有喜剧手段中，舞台式的喜剧表演无疑是最为特殊的，因为这需要被叙述者同时是叙述者为前提才能实现。不过，假如认真分析的话，很多喜剧电影都可以找出类舞台式的段落，虽然它们没有《安妮•霍尔》的结构基础，这样的段落更多是在同一世界内的偶发随机事件。这样的偶发随机事件和《安妮•霍尔》的舞台式喜剧表演的区别在于，前者在整体上是突兀的，是在现实意义上不合理的段落，而后者则因为有结构基础，明显区别于现实段落，因而对现实部分和影片整体不会产生破坏性。进一步来说，《安妮•霍尔》中舞台式的喜剧段落，因为不是同一世界的偶发随机事件，形式上也变得更为自由，连场景本身的现实性都不再需要。而且，影片的现实部分本身是写实的，这又于不写实的舞台段落形成了对比，在写实—不写实间不断变化的对比结构也让舞台段落的喜剧性得以强化。这正是之前引用的短评中所言的，“凝视之下的人格反差同时强化了喜剧性和自反性，这是他的结构主义”。

不难看出，《安妮•霍尔》的结构，超叙述层—主叙述层与现实段落—非现实段落，在创造独特的喜剧性上起到了多么重要的作用。但事实上，结构的作用远不止于此，在创造写实性上，其也起到了非常关键的作用。

显然，去叙述干预的部分是更加写实的，是去间离的，而叙述干预越多，场景本身就越虚假，甚至于变成非写实的被创造物，是间离的。仔细分析的话，不难发现，b进行叙述干预行为的频率是变化的。①层开头由童年到a登场的部分中，b几乎没有中断过他的叙述干预。而在两次洛杉矶段落中，b竟然没有进行过任何叙述干预，而且后者在时间上远长于前者。从整体来看，叙述干预的密度在影片的前中段远高于后段。最后一次叙述干预时，a已经完全失去了挽回安妮•霍尔的可能，可以说是过去完成时的，非常贴合现在完成时的b，因而“取代”的间离效果已不再强烈。因此，可以认为电影的整体结构是间离—去间离的，也就是说，观众对叙述内容的距离感在不断缩小，认同感也在提升，因而强化了去叙述干预部分的写实性。

而在具体内容上，在与安妮•霍尔无关的段落叙述干预出现的频率，高于相关的段落。他没有打断过安妮•霍尔的讲话，仅有的几次叙述干预发生在讲话结束后，他甚至会顺应安妮•霍尔的话进行叙述内容的补充（闪回）。在与安妮•霍尔相关的段落中，叙述干预出现在和安妮•霍尔相处融洽的部分多于产生矛盾的部分。从内容与主轴（a与安妮•霍尔）的关系来看，叙述内容的离散程度是由高向低的，而且后半段不出现安妮•霍尔的事件多少也和她有联系。这也印证了b开头对我们所说的，他在认真梳理与安妮•霍尔相处的点滴，并尝试着找出分开的原因，因此与分开这一结果关系越密切的段落他越认真，越少插混打插。

以上论证，都是在内容的角度，以将①层视为关于a的事实与b的叙述行为的总和，即过去时中穿插现在时行为的新被叙述物为基础进行的。但假如想要对上文提到的结构基础有更清楚的认知的话，仅仅从内容的角度是远远不够的。换个角度，从②层来看，叙述行为正在进行因此①层不是静止的，而被叙述物由于必然确定在叙述行为发生前所以是静止的。因此，此时①层不应被认为是被叙述物，而应该被认为是完全现在进行时的叙述行为本身。也就是说，《安妮•霍尔》，在整体上，可以认为是一部关于叙述行为本身，完全现在进行时的电影。

《安妮•霍尔》是现在进行时的，因此，它的不可预料，灵光一现以及寻找方向的过程本身也就成了观看时获得的趣味的最重要的来源之一。观看《安妮•霍尔》时，每逢当前的叙述的方向走到终点，接下来的场景会都变得完全无法预料，可能是从小艾尔维被母亲训话突然跳到艾尔维向朋友控诉身边的“反犹”行为，或者是从与前女友的争论跳到艾尔维在厨房被虾子吓到手足无措。叙述时而偏题时而中断，回到主轴时节奏又时快时缓，而叙述中的人物又是如此不确定，作为观众的我们不得不追随叙述调整状态。在这个意义上，我们是在通过追随叙述，与作为喜剧演员的艾尔维进行亲密的互动，互动的过程中我们又得以分享他的情绪变化，而不再是隔着安全的叙述距离观看导向明确的情景以获得快乐。

从这一角度，结构也有了新的意义和作用。内容的离散程度的变化，一方面是b作为叙述者在叙述中学习并逐渐熟悉叙述的结果，反映了其从不擅长叙述的喜剧演员到成熟的叙述者这一过程；另一方面，是b作为叙述者的叙述距离和情感状态的结果。叙述距离由间离到非间离，是艾尔维与对应事件中的a的人物状态的距离变化，即从a与安妮•霍尔相恋（b与此时的a完全处于相反的情感状态）到a失去安妮•霍尔（a成为了b）。 同样，叙述整体由轻松的，喜剧的转变为感伤的，悲剧的，这也是艾尔维对在不同阶段的他和安妮•霍尔的关系的情感反应的结果。电影后半段的情感力量也由此而来，当叙述中断，叙述者连叙述这一责任都已暂时忘却的时候，我们便和他一起，看着安妮•霍尔的表演，或者伴随着她的歌声片段式地回忆往昔时光。在这样一部不断运动的电影中，这些静止的时刻，从结构中获得了情感的力量，让我们得以进入无可挽回的感伤和怀缅情绪中。

因此，没有观众会指责艾尔维压轴的笑话是如此“不好笑”，以及后半段几乎压过喜剧性的伤感情绪。叙述是一个进行时的动作，它永远是叙述主体的意志外化的产物。在目睹原本出色的喜剧叙述发生不可抑制的“失败”变化时，我们便与叙述主体一同分享了他的内在的崩溃。这是超越叙述控制的深刻共情，叙述控制只能把我们困在叙述者的言说中，言说的极限就是我们的极限。而当叙述主体透过叙述的裂缝，作为客体被我们突然捕捉到时，我们与他便获得了超越言说的联系，言说作为桥梁与限制在此都被取消，我们几乎是把自己投入一个拒绝言说自己的客体，然后成为他。而在所有媒介中，再没有一个，能比电影更加直接地呈现叙述这一动作，它的语气，语调，速度，变化以及停顿，或者说它的“运动”本身。在体验“运动”本身时，我们与叙述的距离也天然地有所减小，因此能更直接地体验背后的情感。从这一角度来讲，《安妮•霍尔》的情感力量是电影的，并且只能是电影的。

通常，“理解”一个人物总是意味着，我们能清晰地把握他的内在，就像归纳出一套物理规律那样。尤其是在好莱坞电影中，成熟的叙述模式，清晰的人物转变，几乎没有任何留给神秘的余地。这种对解释和“理解”的强制性需求，把人物从复杂的不确定的主体，降格成了叙述拼图中形状固定不可或缺的一块。同时，一个确定的叙述模式，总是指向一个确定的道德价值体系。叙述模式的发展与成熟，就是价值体系的完善与确定。但只有叙述模式总是要服从一套道德价值体系，现实则拒绝被任何价值体系指导运行。现实总是含混的，清晰的叙述模式本身在就是背离现实，越清晰越背离。而个体经验总是比被言说物更贴近个体，也更贴近个体的现实。个体经验有时即使不够确定，却也因被言说而被限制了体验的广度和深度。因此，以“不言说”的方式，将读者的有限经验引入，从而创造真实的体验深度，这无疑能够更贴近现实的一种方式。假如从创造真正的个体经验，以接近真正的从个体出发的主观世界的逼真性的立场出发，《安妮•霍尔》毫无疑问是一部真正杰出的现实主义电影。

论述至此，已经稍微脱离了电影本体，并且我无意于扩充刚才的讨论。因为在我看来，任何我能做出的理论上对这部电影的拥护，都比不过这部电影美妙的结尾。

在本文开头那段申辩后，艾尔维告诉我们：“有趣的是，我的确又遇见过安妮”。伴随着他的旁白，我们再一次进入了现实部分，关于他和安妮•霍尔的最后一次见面。之后的段落由三个新镜头和一组蒙太奇组成，顺序为镜头1—镜头2—蒙太奇—镜头3，配乐是（从艾尔维看完戏剧那刻响起的）安妮•霍尔的第二次献唱，蒙太奇则是由之前出现过的现实镜头组成。

三个新镜头分别是大远景，远景，大远景，后两个镜头还有明显的前景遮挡，叙述距离明显。镜头1距离最远，内容为安妮•霍尔与男友和艾尔维与女友在电影院再会。镜头2距离最近，内容为安妮•霍尔和艾尔维坐在咖啡馆中愉快地交谈。镜头3距离远，从前景遮挡来看，视角的出发点似乎是镜头2中二人交谈的位置，内容为二人告别。整个镜头就像是艾尔维停在二人最后交谈的地方看着最终分别的二人，因而也有了几分留念的意味。可以看出，这段的叙述距离的变化是疏远—贴近—最接近（蒙太奇段落）—疏远。疏远的部分是艾尔维厌恶的新男友与分离，而贴近的部分则是二人短暂的交谈和过去。因此，随着叙述距离和内容的变化，我们也和此时的艾尔维一样，陷入了对过去的缅怀，伤感和留恋之中。

有趣的是，镜头3中有一个非常奇妙而贴切的隐喻。艾尔维站的位置恰好有个红绿灯，上面显示着“DON’T WALK”，而且在安妮•霍尔离开前一直是红灯，直到艾尔维转身离开镜头才改变（见下图）。而在这一段中，b对我们说的却是，“之后，天有点晚了，我们都得回去了。但再一次见到安妮，我真的很高兴。我意识到了她是多么好的人，以及仅仅是能认识她（just knowing）就是一件多么有趣的事”。听上去就像他并不怎么遗憾，也没有多少留念的意味。所以这一幕看起来就像是，之前一直隐形的c，在电影结尾，终于忍不住越过了b的自欺欺人，说出了艾尔维最真实的愿望—希望安妮•霍尔不要离开。

不过说到底，这种理解方式，或是说本文一直在尝试的对这部电影的有机性和整体性的辩护，都只是一个理解电影的方向，而不是对电影的完美的解读。毕竟就像艾尔维所言，我们总是试图通过艺术来表达完美，因为在真实生活中完美非常困难。希望能读到这里的读者（感谢你们抽出时间）能有所收获，也欢迎各位对本文进行批评指正。

最后，感谢豆瓣友邻（部分为化名，非豆瓣id）卡夫卡老师，“巴赞”，门之海，“列车员”，chaos在本文写作前以及过程中对我提供的帮助和意见，尤其感谢推荐参考书目的卡夫卡老师，和提出了很详细的批评的chaos和门之海（他甚至对我原本写的感谢名单都提出了修改意见），感激不尽。

去年3月5号,我接触了个新名词:门萨的娼妓.今年的3月5,有人竟很严肃地问了一个在我看来很有意思也极赋创意的问题:门萨是谁?你男朋友么?于是我想应该是时候写个名词解释了.

门萨MENSA--世界顶级智商俱乐部 1946年成立于英国牛津 创始人是一个叫贝里尔的律师和一个叫韦尔的科学家门萨的宗旨是为聪明者建立一个社团 通过充满挑战性的社团活动而使参加者的高智商获得承认肯定和不断提高并分享彼此的成功

在woody的文集<门萨的娼妓>里面,门萨俱乐部便摇身一变,成为了一家与众不同的妓院.提供的服务是专门为与妻子无法交流的男性提供精神智力体验。其服务账单如下:

花上50元，可以进行“不深入的陈述”；
花100元，一个女孩可以把她的巴托克唱片借给你听，一起进餐，然后让你看她来一次焦虑发作；
花150元，你可以跟一对孪生姐妹一块听调频广播；
花300元，则可以得到全套服务——一个浅色黑皮肤的女孩会在现代艺术博物馆里假装邂逅你,让你看她的硕士论文,让你和她在伊琳餐厅就弗洛伊德关于女人的概念尖声争吵,然后她会按照你选择的方式假装自杀.

先看看应召女郎与嫖客的对话

“亲爱的，你想聊什么？”
　　　　 “我想谈梅尔维尔。”
　　　　 “《大白鲸》还是短一点的长篇？”
　　　　 “有什么不同呢？”
　　　　 “也就是价钱。聊象征主义要另加钱。”
　　　　 “得出多少？”
　　　　 “50美元，聊《大白鲸》可能得100美元。你想进行比较讨论，把梅尔维尔跟霍桑进行比较吗？100块可以搞定。”


说完文集,最好我们还是回到woody allen的电影,以免落得舍本逐末的恶名.是我在拿到套盒后最为期待的一部woody allen的电影.蔡康永曾自述,在他应该看<花花公子>的年纪,却先看到了woodyallen的,这把当时的他吓了一跳.我在应该看的时候,却先选择了,把当时的我也是乐得够戗.但我想,大笑对于我的意义却并不只是用来减肥,美容,舒展肌肉,呼出肺气的运动而已.

这部电影是一幅70年代纽约知识阶层精神面貌的缩影,良好的教育,生动的生活,幼稚的情感.当然,外表的面貌也作为文化背景可以在影片中观赏到:嗑药,喇叭裤,茶色眼镜(在国内俗称蛤蟆镜）,敞篷汽车,嬉皮士的味道.在woody allen犀利的眼中,知识,女性,知识女性,还有性都是调侃的作料,而调侃的对象则是不惜以大价钱如饥似渴地想和异性来点智力交流的可怜的小辈.他们得知别人的不幸时心里会难受到辗转反侧无法入睡.但是他们的女人却会无奈地说:"我错过了看心理医生的时间,而你只考虑到这对于你的影响,你太以自己为中心了."

woody allen总拿性开玩笑,毕竟性是人间大事,初恋,初温,初夜...一串头文字c之后,总免不了这thing.但是性也会遭遇无聊,无奈,无助...等头文字w.最后以人不能无耻到这个地步为总结陈词.我自然也可以合理杜撰或解释为什么门萨需要智力娼妓.

像annnie hall这样的女孩,她可能不漂亮,但是帅气.在陌生男人面前遭遇紧张时会以la-di-da代替;不聪明,但是会学习.她听从艾维.辛格的建议,去上成人夜校,甚至阅读死亡的书籍;不靠谱,但是善解人意.她会对心理医生说,不服从他觉得自己愧对于他，言听计从却又违背自己的意志.聪明的男人总在希冀找到一个女人,不是听他的话,而是要听得懂他的话.那强烈的摆脱孤独的渴望变异成了偏执而不公平的控制欲和限制欲,annnie hall对他的崇拜也演变成了疲倦和疏离...两个如此合拍的人,也只好分道扬镳,各奔前程.男人的孤独感会很快重新袭来,这欲望会轻松超越因无法操控而产生的厌倦,当意识到annnie的宝贵时,电影却剩不了几祯画面.

像艾维.辛格这样的男人.同生理周期下的女人一样,一肚子牢骚,喋喋不休.却也同"文艺青年"一样愤世嫉俗,看东西用白眼多过黑眼.有人说女人比男人更易于沉醉在一种无聊的生命形式之中.

世间上任何一个可以成为安妮.霍尔的女孩,任何一个门萨的娼妓.都要在童话与现实之间抉择,在沮丧与幸福之间徘徊,在艺术家与蠢材之间忖度,在铜臭与酸腐之间观望,在头痛与经痛之间循环...你要考虑清楚,即使你的美貌倾人万千,你的聪慧超过常人,甚至你的幽默和搞笑才能都集了万千的宠爱,你还是需要进入门萨得到这张认可的王牌.还是那么需要艾维.辛格的控制和高高在上的姿态.我在想,如果最后annnnie答应了维辛的求婚,同他回到了纽约,情景依旧还会是老样子,不可调和的争吵,无法摆脱的控制,不可逾越的原则...痛苦,我把它定义为门萨的爱情.在东尼的膜拜中,annnie的幸福感会长久么?是否还会回到一个平淡而落寞的女人身份.想想一个学术朋克三更半夜甩掉床上艳遇的女人跑到你家帮你收拾厕所里的蜘蛛优越感觉已然不再又是怎样的难以释怀.与annie hall争吵后的维辛街采一样的在街上见人便问,问到一对看似恩爱的情侣，问他们维持住感情的原因.女人说:"我是一个没什么想法的人."男人说:"我也是..."原来久久归一,和谐的同义词竟然是简单和反智.


在电影院门口.安妮不可思议的问:"就因为错过了片头的字幕?还是瑞典文?"艾维.辛格就是个这样的人.我在想woody在做人物性格设计时是否安排他是处女座.对完整性吹毛求疵如此苛刻.怪不得要看上十五年的心理医生,戒上十六年的茶.


电影中很多场面极有有趣.有时维辛会突然变成Woody Allen,从情景中跳出来，面对镜头跟观众数落不满和抱怨,有时则会把记忆中的场景拽出来,继续擦肩,或者交谈. "我绝不加入有象我这样会员的俱乐部",十足的讽刺和调侃,就说了不下3遍."现在是1975年，我要告诉你，完美这个词在这个世纪初就已经挂掉了",极为尖锐的批判下依旧一张毫不在乎的脸."这里从没有垃圾,他们只有在电视里生产垃圾."讽刺小屏幕业的弱智,这是电影界人士的通病.但是哪个界没有病啊,文艺界更是百病缠身.高小松曾说,幸福就是娶一个如花似玉的知识女性.可惜的是高小松和知识女性离婚了,他当然不会就此说:幸福就是和一个如花似玉的知识女性离婚.王朔最近也开始言必"我们家徐静蕾"了.门萨对智力娼妓的需求永远胜过生理.男人对自己面子的呵护永远多过女人对自己的脸.

woody爱在电影里穿插笑话给我们:"一个家伙去看医生,说医生哎,我哥哥疯了,他以为自己是只鸡.医生说,那你干吗不把他带来?那人说,可是,我想要那只蛋."

人生是无厘头的.We keep going through,because most of us need the egg.就像<门萨的娼妓>结尾,伍迪艾伦意味深长的说:"这次,我认识了一个学体育的女硕士,让我感觉不错..."

There's an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill Mountain resort -One of 'em says, “The food at this place is really terrible.” -The other one says, “Yeah, I know. And such small portions.” -That's essentially how I feel about life -Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness -And it's all over much too quickly -The other important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx -I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious. -It goes like this - I'm paraphrasing. I would never wanna belong to any club -that would have someone like me for a member -That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women -Lately the strangest things have been going through my mind -Cos I turned , and I guess I'm going through a life crisis -I'm not worried about ageing. Although I'm balding slightly on top -That's about the worst you can say about me -I think I'm gonna get better as I get older -I think I'm gonna be the balding virile type -as opposed to, say, the distinguished grey, for instance -Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth -who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag -screaming about socialism -Annie and I broke up. And I still can't get my mind around that -I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind -examining my life, and trying to figure out - where did the screwup come? -A year ago we were… in love, you know -And… It's funny… I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character -I… I… You know… -I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess -I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II -He's been depressed. All of a sudden he can't do anything -- Why are you depressed, Alvy? - Tell Dr Flicker -It's something he read -Something he read, uh? -- The universe is expanding. - The universe is expanding? -The universe is everything. If it's expanding, someday it will break apart -and that will be the end of everything -What is that your business? -He stopped doing his homework -- What's the point? - What has the universe got to do with it? -You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding! -It won't be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy -And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves while we're here, uh? -My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories. -But I was brought up under the roller coaster -in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. -Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous. -I have a hyperactive imagination. -My mind tends to jump around a little. -I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. -My father ran the bumper car concession. -There he is. -And there I am. -I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time. -I remember the staff at our public school. -We had a saying: “Those who can”t do, teach, -and those who can“t teach, teach gym.” -And those who couldnt do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. -I always thought my schoolmates were idiots. -Melvyn Greenglass. His fat little face. -And Henrietta Farrell. Just Miss perfect all the time. -And lvan Ackerman. Always the wrong answer. Always. -Seven and three is nine -Even then, I knew they were just jerks. -In I had already discovered women. -He kissed me! He kissed me! -That's the second time this month! Step up here -- What did I do? - Step up here! -You should be ashamed of yourself -Why? I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity -Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds -I did -For God's sakes, Alvy! Even Freud speaks of a latency period -Well, I never had a latency period. I can't help it -Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? Now there was a model boy -Tell the folks where you are today -I run a profitable dress company -Sometimes I wonder where my classmates are today. -I'm president of the pinkus plumbing Company -I sell tallises -I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a methadone addict -I'm into leather -I lost track of most of my schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian. -They did not take me in the army. I was… Interestingly enough… I was -p -In the event of war, I'm a hostage -You always only saw the worst in people -You never could get along with anyone in school -You were always out of step with the world -Even when you got famous, you still distrusted the world -I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, “Jew.” -You're crazy -We were walking off the tennis court. Him and me and his wife -He looked at her and they both looked at me. And under his breath he said, “Jew.” -Alvy, you're a total paranoid -I pick up on those kinda things -I was having lunch with some guys from NBC. So I said, “Did you eat yet or what?” -And Tom Christie said, “No. D'you?” -Not “Did you”. “D'you eat?” “D'you?” -Not “Did you eat?” but “D'you eat?” “Jew?” You get it? “Jew eat?” -- Max… - Stop calling me Max -Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything -I was in a record store. There's this big, tall, blond, crew-cutted guy -looking at me in a funny way and saying, “We have a sale this week on Wagner.” -Wagner, Max. Wagner. I know what he's really trying to tell me, very significantly -Right, Max -California, Max -- Get the hell out of this crazy city. - Forget it -We move to sunny LA. All of show business is there -No. I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage -is that you can make a right turn on a red light -Forget it. Aren't you late for meeting Annie? -I'm meeting her at the Beekman. I have a few minutes -Are you on television? -Once in a while. Occasionally -- What's your name? - You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter -You were on the… uh… The Johnny Carson, right? -Once in a while, you know -What's your name? -I'm… I'm Robert Redford -Come on! -Alvy Singer. It was nice… Thanks very much for everything -Hey! -What? -This is Alvy Singer! -Fellas, you know… -This guy's on television. Alvy Singer? Am I right? -- Give me a break. - This guy's on television -I need a large polo mallet -- Who's on television? - On The Johnny Carson Show. -Is this a meeting of the Teamsters? -- What programme? - Can I have your autograph? -- You don't want my autograph. - No, I do. It's for my girlfriend -Make it out to Ralph -- Your girlfriend's name is Ralph? - It's for my brudder -You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star? -Alvy Singer over here! -It's all right, fellas -Jesus! What did you do? Come by way of the panama Canal? -- I'm in a bad mood. - I'm here with the cast of The Godfather. -- You have to learn to deal with it. - I'm dealing with guys named Cheech! -please. I have a headache, all right? -You are in a bad mood. You must be getting your period -Every time anything out of the ordinary happens, you think I'm getting my period! -A little louder. I think one of them may have missed it -- Has the picture started? - It started two minutes ago -That's it. Forget it. I can't go in -- Two minutes, Alvy. - I can't do it. We've blown it already -I can't go in in the middle -We'll only miss the titles. They're in Swedish -- You wanna get coffee for two hours? - Two hours? No. I'm going in -- Go ahead. Goodbye. - While we're talking, we could be inside -Can we not stand here and argue in front of everybody? I get embarrassed -All right. So what do you wanna do? -I don't know now. You wanna go to another movie? -Let's go see The Sorrow and the pity. -Come on. I'm not in the mood to see a four-hour documentary on Nazis -Well, I'm sorry. I've gotta see a picture exactly from the start to the finish -Cos… Cos I'm anal -That's a polite word for what you are -We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday. It is not one of his best -It lacks a cohesive structure -You get the feeling that he's not absolutely sure what it is he wants to say -I've always felt he was essentially a technical filmmaker -Granted, La Strada was a great film. Great in its use of negative imagery -I can't stand this guy. I'm gonna have a stroke -Well, stop listening to him -He's screaming his opinions in my ear -Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon. -I found it incredibly… indulgent -He really is. He's one of the most indulgent filmmakers -The key word here is indulgent -Without getting… -- What are you depressed about? - I missed my therapy. I overslept -- How can you possibly oversleep? - The alarm clock -Do you know what a hostile gesture that is to me? -I know. Because of our sexual problem, right? -Everybody at The New Yorker has to know our rate of intercourse? -It's like Samuel Beckett -I admire the technique, but it doesn't hit me on a gut level -- I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level. - Stop it, Alvy! -He's spitting on my neck. He's spitting on my neck when he talks -You know, you're so egocentric that if I miss my therapy -you can only think of it in terms of how it affects you. -Weltanschauung is what it is -probably on their first date -probably met by answering an ad in the New York Review of Books. -Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman -who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy -Our sexual problem? I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn -OK. I'm very sorry. My sexual problem. OK? My sexual problem -I never read that. That was a Henry James novel? Sequel of The Turn of the Screw? -It's the influence of television -Now, Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a high… -high intensity. You understand? A hot medium… -What I wouldn't give for a large sock with horse manure in it -What do you do when you get stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind? -Why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country -Do you have to give it so loud? Aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? -The funny part is, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan -Really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called TV, Media and Culture. -So I think my insights into Mr McLuhan have a great deal of validity -Oh, do you? That's funny, because I happen to have Mr McLuhan right here -Just let me… Come over here a second -I heard what you were saying -You know nothing of my work -You mean my whole fallacy is wrong -How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing -Boy, if life were only like this! -June th, . The German army occupies paris. -All over the country, people are desperate for every available scrap of news. -Those guys in the French Resistance were really brave -To have to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much -Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture -The Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card -and you'd tell 'em everything -That movie makes me feel guilty -Yeah, cos it's supposed to -Alvy… -What? What… What's the matter? -I don't… I don't know -It's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time -Well, it's just that I gotta sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice -There's always an excuse. You used to think I was very sexy -When we first started going out, we had sex constantly -We're probably in the Guinness Book of World Records. -Alvy, it'll pass. I'm going through a phase. That's all -You've been married before. You know how things can get -You were very hot for Allison at first -You're on right after Chris Brown, which looks about minutes -Excuse me. When do I go on? -Who are you? -Alvy Singer -I'm a comedian -Oh, comedian. Yeah -Oh. You're on next -What do you mean, next? I'm… -You're on right after this act -No, it can't be. Because he's a comic -Yes -- You're putting on two comics in a row? - Why not? -No, I'm sorry. I don't wanna go on after another comedian -It's OK -No. Because they're laughing. So I'd… rather not -Will you relax? They're gonna love you -I'd prefer not to. Look. They're laughing at him -They're gonna laugh at him then I gotta go out -I gotta get laughs too. How much can they laugh? -- They're laughed out. - Do you feel all right? -Jesus! -What's your name? -Allison -Yeah? -Allison what? -portchnik -- That's nice. - Thank you -Allison portchnik -So, what are you telling me? You work for Stevenson all the time or what? -No. I'm in the midst of doing my thesis -On what? -political Commitment in th-Century Literature. -You're like… New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual -Central park West, Brandeis University, socialist summer camps? -The father with the Ben Shahn drawings? The really strike-oriented… -Stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself -No. That was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype -Right. I'm a bigot. But for the Left -I have to go out there. Say something encouraging. Quickly -- I think you're cute. - Do you? -Go ahead -I don't know why they would have me at this kind of rally cos… -I'm not essentially a political comedian at all -I interestingly had… dated a woman -in the Eisenhower administration briefly -And it was ironic to me cos… -Cos I was trying to do to her -what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years -I'm sorry. I can't go through with this -I can't get it off my mind, Allison. It's obsessing me -I'm getting tired of it. I need your attention -But it doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository -and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound -So how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once? -It doesn't make sense! -I'll tell you this. He was not marksman enough -to hit a moving target at that range -But… -if there was a second assassin… -- That's it! - We've been through this -They recovered the shells from that rifle -OK. What are you saying now? -Everybody on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right? -Well, why not? -Yeah. Earl Warren? -Hey, honey. I don't know Earl Warren -Lyndon Johnson? -Lyndon Johnson is a politician! You know the ethics those guys have -It's like a notch underneath child molester -Then everybody's in on the conspiracy -The FBI and the CIA and J Edgar Hoover and oil companies -and the pentagon and the men's room attendant at the White House -I would leave out the men's room attendant -You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me -Oh, my God! -She's right -Why did I turn off Allison portchnik? -She was beautiful, she was willing, she was real intelligent -Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that I just don't wanna belong to any club -that would have someone like me for a member? -Alvy, don't panic! please stop it! -It's a mistake to ever bring a live thing in the house -Stop it! Go for that one there -Maybe we should call the police. Dial . It's the lobster squad -They're only baby ones, for God's sakes -- If they're only babies, you pick 'em up. - All right! All right! -- Here you go! - Don't give it to me! Don't! -Look! One crawled behind the refrigerator -It'll turn up in our bed at night -Will you get out of here with that thing? Jesus! -Talk to 'em. You speak shellfish -Hey, look. put it in the pot -I can't put it in the pot! I can't put a live thing in hot water! -You think we're gonna take him to the movies? -Oh, good, Alvy. Oh, thank you -OK. It's in. It's definitely in the pot -Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator -I can't get it out. This thing's heavy -Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it'll run out -I'm gonna get my camera -I think if I could pry the door off… -We should have gotten steaks. They don't run around -Goddamn it! Oh, jeez! -pick this lobster up. Hold it, please -You're gonna take pictures now? -Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely! -Oh, God! That's disgusting! -One more, Alvy. please! -Oh, good! Good! -Here's what I want to know. Am I your first big romance? -Oh, no. No, no -Really? Who was? -There was Dennis from Chippewa Falls High School -Dennis? Local kid? Would meet you in front of the movie house? -You should have seen what I looked like then. -I can imagine. probably the wife of an astronaut. -Then there was Jerry, the actor. -Look at you. You're such a clown -I look pretty -You always look pretty. But that guy… -Acting is like an exploration of the soul. It's very religious -Like a kind of liberating consciousness -It's like a visual poem -Is he kidding with that crap? -Oh, right -I think I know exactly what you mean when you say “religious” -You do? -- Oh, come on. I was younger. - Hey, that was last year -It's like when I think of dying -- You know how I'd like to die? - No. How? -I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals -Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels! -Listen, he was a terrific actor. He's neat-looking and he was emotional… -I don't think you like emotion too much -Touch my heart… with your foot -I may throw up -He was creepy -I think you're pretty lucky I came along -Oh, really? Well, la-de-da -If anyone had ever told me I would be taking out a girl -who used expressions like la-de-da… -You really like those New York girls -- Well, not just. Not only. - I'd say so. You married two of them -There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at princeton -The short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell -Two more chairs, they got a dining room set -- Why are you so hostile? - Cos I wanna watch the Knicks on TV -Is that paul Goodman? No -Be nice to the host, because he's publishing my book -Douglas Wyatt. The Foul Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. -I'm so tired of making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery. -Commentary. -Really? I heard Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery. -No jokes. These are friends, OK? -Here you are -There's people out there -Two minutes ago the Knicks are ahead points, and now they're ahead two points -What is so fascinating about a group of pituitary cases -trying to stuff a ball through a hoop? -What is fascinating is that it's physical -Intellectuals prove you can be absolutely brilliant -and have no idea what's going on -But, on the other hand, the body doesn't lie -as we now know -Stop acting out -It'll be great. All those phDs are in there discussing modes of alienation -and we'll be in here quietly humping -Alvy, don't. You're using sex to express hostility -Why do you always reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories? -He said, as he removed her brassiere -There are people out there from The New Yorker magazine! -Oh, my God -What would they think? -Damn siren! -OK. Don't get upset -Dammit! I was so close! -Last night it was a guy honking his car horn. The city can't close down -You wanna have them shut down the airport too? -No more flights so we can have sex? -I'm too tense. I need a Valium -My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York -We can't have this discussion. The country makes me nervous -You've got crickets. There's no place to walk after dinner -The screens with the dead moths behind 'em -You got the Manson family, possibly. You got Dick and Terry -OK! OK! My analyst just thinks I'm too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium? -It's quiet now. We can start again -I can't. My head is throbbing -- You got a headache? - I have a headache -Bad? -- Like Oswald in Ghosts. - Jesus! -Where are you going? -I'm going to take another in a series of cold showers -Max, my serve will send you to the showers early -The failure of the country to get behind New York City is anti-Semitism -Max, the city is terribly run -I'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin -Every time some group disagrees with you, it's because of anti-Semitism -The rest of the country sees New York -as left-wing, Communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers -I think of us that way sometimes, and I live here -Max, if we lived in California, we could play outdoors every day in the sun -Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad -Sun, milk, red meat, college -I know, but I… -Egad. Here he comes -You know Alvy? This is Janet -This is Annie Hall -This is Alvy -Who's playing with who? -You and me against them? -- I can't play too good, you know? - I've had four lessons -Hi! -Well… -Bye -You play very well -Oh, yeah? So do you -Oh, God. What a dumb thing to say, right? -You say, “You play well” and then right away I have to say, “You play well.” -Oh! -God, Annie. Well… -Oh, well -You want a lift? -Oh, why? -You got a car? -Me? No. I was gonna take a cab -Oh, no. I have a car -You have a car? -I don't understand. If you have a car, so then… -why did you say, “Do you have a car?” Like you wanted a lift? -I don't… I don't… -Jeez, I don't know. I wasn't… -It's… I've got this VW out there -What a jerk! Yeah -Would you like a lift? -Sure. Which way are you going? -Me? Downtown -I'm going uptown -Well, you know, I'm going uptown too -You just said you were going downtown -Sorry -I can go uptown too. I live uptown, but what the hell! -Lt'll be nice having company. I hate driving alone -So where do you know Janet from? -- I'm in her acting class. - You're an actress? -Well, I do commercials, sort of -- You're not from New York, right? - Chippewa Falls -- Where? - Wisconsin -You're driving a tad rapidly -Don't worry. I'm a very good driver. I'm good -- You want some gum anyway? - No. No, thanks -Hey, don't… No, no. Would you watch the road? I'll get it! -- I'll get you a piece. - So, you drive? -Do I drive? No. I've got a problem with driving -Oh, you do? -I've got a licence, but I have too much hostility -Nice car. You keep it nice -Can I ask you? Is this a sandwich? -Huh? Oh, yeah -I live over here. Oh, my God! Look! There's a parking space -That's OK. We can walk to the kerb from here -- You want your tennis stuff? - Oh. Yeah -That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot -Well… -Thank you -You're a wonderful tennis player and… -you're the worst driver I've ever seen in my life -Anyplace. Europe. The United… Anyplace. Asia -- And I love what you're wearing. - Oh, you do, yeah? -Oh, well, it's a… This tie is a present from Grammy Hall -Who? Grammy… Grammy Hall? -Yeah, my grammy -Did you grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting? -- Your grammy? - I know. It's pretty silly, isn't it? -My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks -Well… -Thank you again -Hey, you wanna come upstairs and have a glass of wine or something? -I mean, you don't have to. You're probably late -No, that'd be fine. I wouldn't mind. Sure -I've got time. I've got nothing… till my analyst appointment -Oh, you see an analyst? -Yeah. Just for years -I'm gonna give him one more year and then I'm going to Lourdes -… Nah! Come on! -Yeah? Really? -Sylvia plath? Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide -was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality -Oh, sorry -I don't know. Some of her poems seem neat -Neat? I hate to tell you, this is -“Neat” went out, I would say, at the turn of the century -Who are those photos on the wall? -Oh! Well, you see now… that's my dad -That's Father. And that's my brother Duane -- Duane? - Yeah, right. Duane -And over there is Grammy Hall. And that's Sadie -- Who's Sadie? - Oh, well, Sadie… -Sadie met Grammy through Grammy's brother George -George was real sweet. He had that thing… -What is that thing where you fall asleep in the middle of a sentence? What is it? -- Narcolepsy. - Right, right! -So anyway… George went to the union, you see, to get his free turkey -The union always gave George this free turkey at Christmas time -because he was shell-shocked in the First World War -Anyway, so George is standing in line - oh, just a sec - getting his free turkey -But the thing is, is that he falls asleep -and he never wakes up! -So… so he's dead! -He's dead. Yeah -Oh, dear -Well… Terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say? I mean, that's pretty awful -It's a great story, though. It really made my day -I think I should get outta here cos I think I'm imposing -Really? Well, maybe… -You know, I… -- You don't have to, you know. - I'm all perspired and everything -Didn't you take a shower at the club? -Me? No. Cos I never shower in a public place -Why not? -Cos I don't like to get naked in front of another man -Oh, I see. I see -I don't like to show my body to a man of my gender -You never know what's gonna happen -- years, huh? - years, yeah. That's… -God bless -You're what Grammy Hall would call “a real Jew” -Thank you -Yeah, well, she hates Jews. She thinks that they just make money -But she's the one. Is she ever! I'm tellin' you -So did you do those photographs in there or what? -Yeah. I sort of dabble around, you know. I dabble? Listen to me - what a jerk! -They're wonderful, you know. They have a… a quality. You are a great-looking girl. -Well, I would like to take a serious photography course. He probably thinks lm a yo-yo. -photography's interesting cos it's a new art form, I wonder what she looks like naked. -And a set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet -Aesthetic criteria? You mean whether it's a good photo or not? Lm not smart enough for him. Hang in there. -The medium enters in as a condition of the art form itself. I don“t know what l”m saying. She senses lm shallow. -Well… to me… I mean, it's… it's… It's all instinctive. I just try to feel it. God, I hope he doesnt turn out to be a shmuck like the others. -I try to get a sense of it and not think about it so much -Still, you need a set of aesthetic guidelines to put it in social perspective. Christ, I sound like FM radio. Relax! -Well, I don't know -I guess you must be sort of late, huh? -You know, I gotta get there and begin whining soon. Otherwise I… -- Hey, are you busy Friday night? - Me? -Oh, uh, no -Oh, I'm sorry! I have something -What about Saturday night? -Nothing. No, no -You're very popular, I can see -- I know. - Do you have plague? -Well, I mean, I meet a lot of jerks -I meet a lot of jerks too. I think that's a… -But I'm thinking about getting some cats -Oh, wait a second. Oh, no, no! -Oh, shoot! No. Saturday night I'm gonna… -I'm gonna sing. Yeah -You're gonna sing? Do you sing? No kidding? -- This is my first time. - Really? Where? I'd like to come -- Oh, no! - I'm interested -I'm just… I'm auditioning at this club. I don't… -- It's my first time. - It's OK. I know exactly what that's like -You're gonna like nightclubs. They're really a lot of fun -It had to be you -It had to be you -I wandered around -And finally found -The somebody who -Could make me be true -Could make me be blue -And even be glad -Just to be sad -Thinking of you -I was awful! I'm so ashamed! I can't sing! -So the audience was a tad restless -What do you mean, a tad restless? They hated me! -They didn't! You have a wonderful voice! -- I'm gonna quit. - I won't let you. You have a great voice -- Really? Do you think so? Really? - Yeah. It's terrific -I never even took a lesson, either -Hey, listen. Give me a kiss -- Really? - Because we're just gonna go home later -There's gonna be all that tension and I won't know when to make the right move -So we'll kiss now, we'll get it over with and then go eat -- We'll digest our food better. - OK -So now we can digest our food -I'm gonna have the corned beef, please -Oh. I'm gonna have pastrami on white bread -with mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce -So… your second wife left you. And were you depressed about that? -Nothing that a few megavitamins couldn't cure -And your first wife? Allison? -She was nice, but… That was my fault. I was just… I was too crazy -That was so nice -That was nice -As Balzac said, “There goes another novel.” -You were great -Yeah. I'm wrecked -- You're wrecked! - I mean it -I will never play the piano again -It was… I don't know. You really thought it was good? -Yes -That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing -Here. You want some? -No. I… I don't… use any major hallucinogenics because I… -took a puff about five years ago at a party and… -Tried to take my pants off over my head -Something got in one ear -Well, I don't really… I don't do it very often -It just sort of relaxes me -- You're not gonna believe this, but… - What? -I'm gonna buy you these books because I think you should read them -- Instead of that cat book. - That's pretty serious stuff there -Yeah. Cos I'm obsessed with death, I think. Big subject with me -I have a very pessimistic view of life -You should know this if we're gonna go out -I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable -Those are the two categories. The horrible would be like terminal cases -And blind people. And cripples. I don't know how they get through life -And the miserable is everyone else -So you should be thankful that you're miserable -You're very lucky to be miserable -Look at that guy -In the pink. Mr Miami Beach there -He's just come back from the gin rummy finals -placed third -Look at these guys. They're back from Fire Island. They're giving it a chance -- Italian, right? - Him? Yeah, he's the Mafia -Linen supply business or cement and contracting, I think -“Oh, gee! Must have my moustache waxed.” -There's the winner of the Truman Capote lookalike contest -You are extremely sexy. Unbelievably sexy -- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are -You know what you are? You're polymorphously perverse -What does that mean? I don't know what that is -You're exceptional in bed because you get pleasure -in every part of your body when I touch you. Like the tip of your nose -If I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps, you suddenly get excited -You know what? I like you -I really do like you -Do you love me? That's the key question -I know you've only known me a short while -I think that's sort of… Yeah. Yeah, yeah -Do you love me? -Love is… too weak a word for… the way I feel -I lurve you. You know, I loave you -I luff you. With two Fs. Yes, I have to invent… -Of course I do. Don't you think I do? -I don't know -You're not gonna give up your apartment, are you? -Of course -- But why? - I'm moving in with you -- But you've got a nice apartment. - I have a tiny apartment -- I know it's small. - And it's got bad plumbing and bugs -Granted. It has bad plumbing and bugs. You say that like it's a negative thing -You know, bugs are… Entomology is a rapidly growing field -- You don't want me to live with you. - I don't want you to live with me? -- Whose idea was it? - Mine -It was yours, actually. But I approved it immediately -I guess you think I talked you into something, huh? -No! We live together, we sleep together, we eat together -Jesus! You don't want it to be like we're married, do you? -- How is it any different? - Cos you keep your own apartment -We don't have to go to it. We don't have to deal with it -It's like a free-floating life raft. That we know that we're not married -That little apartment is $ a month, Alvy -- That place is $ a month? - Yes, it is -It's got bad plumbing and bugs -Jesus! My accountant will write it off as a tax deduction. I'll pay for it -- You don't think I'm smart enough. - Hey, don't be ridiculous -Then why are you always pushing me to take college courses like I was dumb? -Adult education's a wonderful thing -You meet interesting professors. It's stimulating -Does this sound like a good course? -“Modern American poetry”? -Or let's see now. Maybe I should take… -“Introduction to the Novel” -Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf. -Hey, what do you think? You think we should go to that party in Southampton? -Don't be silly. What do we need other people for? -We should just turn out the lights and play hide the salami or something -Well, listen, I'm gonna get a cigarette -Grass, right? The illusion that it will make a white woman more like Billie Holiday -- Well, have you ever made love high? - Me? No -If I have grass or alcohol or anything, I get unbearably wonderful -I get too wonderful for words -I don't know why you have to get high every time we make love -- Well, it relaxes me. - You have to be artificially relaxed -- before we can go to bed? - What's the difference? -Take a shot of Sodium pentothal. You can sleep through it -You've been seeing a psychiatrist for years -You should smoke this. You'd be off the couch in no time -- Come on. You don't need that. - What are you doing? -- No, Alvy. please. - You can live without it once -Wait. I got a great idea -Hang in there for a second. I got a little artefact -A little erotic artefact that I brought up from the city -which I think is gonna be perfect -There. Create a little old New Orleans essence -Now we can go about our business here -and even develop photographs if we want to -- Hey, is something wrong? - No. Why? -I don't know. It's like you're removed -- No, I'm fine. - Really? -I don't know. You seem sorta distant -Let's just do it, all right? -Is it my imagination or are you just going through the motions? -Do you remember where I put my drawing pad? -While you two are doing that, I think I'm gonna do some drawing -- That's what I call removed. - Oh, you have my body -Yeah, but I want the whole thing -Well, I need grass -Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass -I'm a comedian. If I get a laugh from a person who's high -it doesn't count, cos they're always laughing -- Were you always funny? - What is this? An interview? -We're supposed to be making love -This guy is naturally funny. I think he can write for you -Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're really good -Let me explain how I work -I don't look like a funny guy like some of the guys that come out -You know you're gonna fall down -But material's gotta be sensational for me. I work with very… I'm kinda classy -Let me explain. For instance, I open with a song. Musical style like… -place looks wonderful from here -And you folks look wonderful from here -And seeing you there with a smile on your face -Makes me shout “This must be the place” -Then I open with some jokes. That's where I need you -“I just got back from Canada. They speak a lot of French up there.” -“The word to remember is Jeanne d”Arc. It means the light's out in the bathroom -“I met a big lumberjack…” -Jesus! This guys pathetic. -Look at him mincing around. -He thinks hes real cute. You wanna throw up. -If only I had the nerve to do my own jokes. -I dont know how much longer I can keep this smile frozen on my face. -Lm in the wrong business. I know it. -“But… chéri…” -“What will I do with this?” -“Oh, Marie! Sometime you make me so mad!” -They scream at that! Write me something like that. A French number. Can you do it? -Where am I? I have to reorient myself -This is the University of Wisconsin, right? Cos I'm always… tense… -I have a very bad history with colleges. I went to New York University -And I was thrown out of NYU in my freshman year -for cheating on my metaphysics final -I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me -My mother, an emotionally high-strung woman -locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles -I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis -I was suicidal, as a matter of fact, and would have killed myself -But I was in analysis with a strict Freudian -If you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss -Alvy, you were just great. I'm not kidding. It was… -- You were so funny. - College audiences are wonderful -And I'm starting to get more of the references too -Are you? Well, the o'clock show's completely different -I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. You'll meet Mother and Father -- They'll hate me immediately. - I don't think so -I don't think they're gonna hate you at all. It's Easter. We'll have a nice dinner -I think they're gonna really like you -It's a nice ham this year, Mom -Oh, yeah -Grammy always does such a good job -A great sauce! -It is. It's dynamite ham -We went over to the swap meet -Annie, Gram and I. We got some nice picture frames -We really had a good time -Ann tells us that you've been seeing a psychiatrist for years -Yes. I'm making excellent progress -pretty soon when I lie down on his couch, I won't have to wear the lobster bib -- Duane and I went out to the boat basin. - We were caulking holes all day -And Randolph Hunt was drunk. As usual -That Randolph Hunt. You remember Randy Hunt, Annie -- He was in the choir with you. - Oh, yes -I can't believe this family -Annie's mother is really beautiful -And they're talking swap meets and boat basins -And the old lady at the end of the table is a classic Jew-hater -They really look American. Very healthy. Like they never get sick or anything -Nothing like my family. The two are like oil and water -Let him drop dead. Who needs his business? -- His wife has diabetes. - Diabetes? -Is that an excuse? Diabetes? -The man is years old and doesn't have a substantial job -- Is that a reason to steal from his father? - What are you talking about? -Sure! Defend him! -pass the wurst there -Mo Moskowitz, he had a coronary -You don't say! -How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs Singer? -- We fast. - Fast? -No food. To atone for our sins -What sins? I don't understand -To tell you the truth, neither do we -Alvy -Hi, Duane. How's it goin'? -This is my room -Oh, yeah? It's terrific -Can I confess something? -I tell you this because, as an artist, I think you'll understand -Sometimes when I'm driving -on the road at night, I see two headlights coming toward me -Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly -head-on into the oncoming car -I can anticipate the explosion -The sound of shattering glass. The… -flames rising out of the flowing gasoline -Right. Well… -I have to go now, Duane, because I… -I'm due back on the planet Earth -- Don't let it be so long. - Look up Uncle Billy -- He is adorable. - Do you think so? -- You're taking them to the airport? - Duane can. I haven't finished my drink -Yes, Duane is. Just a second. I have to get… -- You followed me. - I didn't follow you -You followed me! -I was walking behind staring at you. That's not following -- What is your definition of following? - I was spying -- Do you realise how paranoid you are? - You've got your arms around a guy -That is the worst kind of paranoid -I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd pick you up after school -You wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember? -You're having an affair with your professor -That jerk that teaches that crap course - Contemporary Crisis in Western Man? -Existential Motifs in Russian Literature! -It's all mental masturbation -We finally get to a subject you know about -Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love -We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat -Neat. Are you years old? -- That's a Chippewa Falls expression. - Who cares?! -Next he'll find you keen and peachy. Then he's got his hand on your ass -You've always had hostility towards David -- You call your teacher David? - It's his name -It's a biblical name, right? What does he call you? Bathsheba? -Alvy, you're the one who never wanted to make a real commitment -You don“t think l”m smart enough. -We had that argument just last month. Or dont you remember that day? -- I'm home! - Oh, yeah? How did it go? -Oh, it was really weird, but she's a very nice woman -I didn't have to lie down on the couch. She had me sitting up -I told her about the family and my feelings towards men -and my relationship with my brother -She mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that? -I'm one of the few males who suffers from that. Go on. I'm interested -She said I was very guilty about my impulses towards marriage and children -Then I remembered, when I was a kid, I accidentally saw my parents making love -All this happened the first hour? -I've been going for years. I don't have… nothing like that -I told her my dream and then I cried -You cried? I have never once cried. That's fantastic -I whine. I sit and I whine -In my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding this pillow across my face and I can't breathe -- Sinatra? - Yeah. Strangling me -Sure. Because he's a singer and you're a singer -It's perfect. So you're trying to suffocate yourself -It's a perfect analytic kind of insight -She said your name was Alvy Singer -- What do you mean? Me? - Yeah, you -Because in the dream I break Sinatra's glasses -You never said Sinatra had glasses. What are you saying? That I'm suffocating you? -God, Alvy. I did this really terrible thing to him -Because then, when he sang, it was in this real high-pitched voice -What did the doctor say? -I should probably come five times a week -I don't think I mind analysis at all. The only question is, will it change my wife? -- Will it change your wife? - My life -- You said, “Will it change my wife?” - I said, “Will it change my life?” -- You said wife. - Life! I said life -She said, “Will it change my wife?” You heard that, so I'm not crazy -I told her I didn't think you'd ever take me seriously -because you don't think I'm smart enough -Why do you always bring that up? -Because I encourage you to take adult education courses? -You meet wonderful, interesting professors -Adult education is such junk. The professors are so phoney -I don't care what you say about David. He's a fine teacher -And why are you following me around? -- I was following you and David. - Let's call it quits -That's fine. That's great. I don't know what I did wrong -She cooled off to me. Is it something that I did? -It's never something you do. That's how people are. Love fades -Love fades? God! That's a depressing thought -I have to ask you a question. With your wife in bed -does she need some kind of artificial stimulation? Like marijuana? -We use a large vibrating egg -A large vibrating egg? -Well, I ask a psychopath, I get that kind of an answer. Jesus! -Here. You look like a very happy couple -- Are you? - Yeah -So how do you account for it? -I'm very shallow and empty -and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say -- And I'm exactly the same way. - I see. Well, that's very interesting -So you've managed to work out something, huh? -Well, thanks very much for talking to me -Even as a kid, I always went for the wrong women. I think thats my problem. -My mother took me to see Snow White. Everyone fell in love with Snow White. -I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen. -- We never have any fun any more. - How can you say that? -You're always leaning on me to improve myself -You must be getting your period -I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon character -Can't I be upset once in a while? -Max, forget about Annie. I know lots of women you can date -I don't wanna go out with any other women -I have got a girl for you. You'll love her. She's a reporter for Rolling Stone. -I think there are more people here to see the Maharishi than there were for Dylan -I covered the Dylan concert, which gave me chills -Especially when he sang, “She takes just like a woman.” -“And she makes love just like a woman. Yes, she does.” -“And she aches just like a woman.” -“But she breaks just like a little girl.” -After that, the most charismatic event I covered -was Mick's birthday at Madison Square Garden -- That's great. That's just great. - Did you catch Dylan? -Me? No, I couldn't make it. My raccoon had hepatitis -You have a raccoon? -A few -The only word for this is transplendid -It's transplendid -I can think of another word -He's God. This man is God. He's got millions of followers -who would crawl across the world just to touch the hem of his garment -Yeah? Must be a tremendous hem -I'm a Rosicrucian myself -I can't get with any religion that advertises in popular Mechanics. -Look. There's God coming out of the men's room -It's unbelievably transplendid! -I was at the Stones concert when they killed that guy -Were you? I was at an Alice Cooper thing -where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes -I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish -Oh, no. Don't be… Don't be silly. You know, I… -I'm starting to get some feeling back in my jaw now -Sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience -Oh. Thank you -I mean that as a compliment -I think… I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm -You know, to make up for empty areas in life -Who said that? -I don't know. I think it may have been Leopold and Loeb -Oh, hi! -Uh… no. What… -What's the matter? -You sound terrible -No. Sure, I… -What kind of emergency? -No. Well, stay there. I'll come over right now -Just stay there. I'll come right over -It's me. Open up. Are you OK? -What's the matter? Are you all right? -There's a spider in the bathroom -What? -There's a big, black spider in the bathroom -You got me here at three in the morning cos there's a spider in the bathroom? -You know how I am about insects. I can't sleep with a live thing crawling around -Kill it! What's wrong with you? Don't you have a can of Raid? -I told you a thousand times. You should always keep a lotta insect spray -You never know who's gonna crawl over -And a first-aid kit and a fire-extinguisher… -Give me a magazine, cos I'm a little tired -You make fun of me, but I'm prepared for anything -An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake -Hey, what is this? Did you go to a rock concert? -Oh, yeah? Really? -How'd you like it? -Was it… I mean, was it heavy? Did it achieve total heavy-ocity? -It was just great -Why don't you get the guy that took you to the rock concert -to come over and kill the spider? -I called you. You wanna help me or not, huh? -Since when do you read the National Review? -- What are you turning into? - I like to try to get all points of view -Then get William F Buckley to kill the spider -Alvy, you're a little hostile. You know that? -Not only that. You look thin and tired -It's three o'clock in the morning! You got me out of bed -I ran over here. I couldn't get a taxi cab. You said it was an emergency -I ran up the stairs. I was a lot more attractive when the evening began -Are you going with a right-wing rock-and-roll star? -Would you like a glass of chocolate milk? -Hey, what am I? Your son? I came over for… -I got the good chocolate -- Where's the spider? - It's in the bathroom -Don't squish it. And after it's dead, flush it down the toilet a couple of times -Darling, I've been killing spiders since I was , OK? -It's a very big spider. Lotta trouble. There's two of them -I didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider. You got a broom? -It's at your house. I think I left it there. I'm sorry. What are you doing? -Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick -- What is this? You got black soap? - It's for my complexion -What, are you joining a minstrel show? -Don't worry! -I did it. I killed them both. What are you sad about? -What did you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em? -- Oh, don't go. please. - What do you mean, don't… -What's the matter? Are you expecting termites? -What's the matter? -I don't know. I miss you -- Oh, Jesus. Really? - Oh, yeah -- Alvy? - What? -Was there somebody in your room when I called you? -- What do you mean? - Was there… I thought I heard a voice -I had the radio on. I'm sorry - it was the television set -I was watching… -Alvy, let's never break up again -I don't wanna be apart -I think we're both much too mature for something like that -Living together hasn't been so bad, has it? -No. For me, it's been terrific. You know? -Better than either one of my marriages -There's just something different about you. I don't know what it is, but it's great -You know, I think that if you let me, maybe I could help you have more fun -I mean, I know it's hard. It's… -Alvy, what about… what if we go away this weekend? -Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us would drive into Brooklyn? -We could show you the old neighbourhood. That'd be fun for you -Yeah, it would -Oh, my God! It's a great day! -Watch the road! You're gonna total the whole car! -I've never even been to Brooklyn -I can't wait to see the old neighbourhood. We can show her the schoolyard -I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max. The best. I was all-schoolyard -They threw him a football once and he tried to dribble it -I used to lose my glasses a lot -Oh, look! That's my old house. That's where I used to live -Holy cow! -You're lucky. Where I lived is now a pornographic equipment store -I have some very good memories there -Your mother and father fighting all the time? -Yeah, and always over the most ridiculous things -- You fired the cleaner? - She stole! -She's coloured! They have enough trouble! -- She went through my pocketbook! - They're persecuted enough! -- Who's persecuting? She stole! - So? We can afford it! -How can we afford it? On your pay? What if she steals more? -She's a coloured woman from Harlem! She has no money! -She's got a right to steal from us! Who is she gonna steal from if not us? -- You're both crazy! - They can't hear you, Max -Leo, I married a fool! -Hey, Max. What's that? -That's the welcome-home party, , for my cousin Herbie -Look. There. That's Joey Nichols. He was my father's friend -He was always bothering me when I was a kid -Joey Nichols. See? Nickels -See? Nickels -You see? Nickels. You can always remember my name -Just think of Joey Five Cents -That's me! Joey Five Cents! -What an asshole -The one who killed me the most was my mother's sister Tessie -I was always the sister with good common sense -Tessie was always the one with personality -When she was younger, they all wanted to marry Tessie -Tessie Moskowitz had the personality. She's the life of the ghetto, no doubt -She was once a great beauty -Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality -I was a great beauty -- How did this personality come about? - I was very charming -There were many men interested in you? -Oh, I was quite a lively dancer -That's very hard to believe -Well, I had a really good day. It was just a real fine way to spend my birthday -- Your birthday's not till tomorrow. - But it's real close -Yeah, but no presents till midnight -I wonder what this is -- Happy birthday. - What is this? -Is this a present? Are you kidding? -- Yeah. Why don't you try it on? - Yeah? I don't… -- This is more like a present for you. - It'll add ten years to our sex life -- Yeah. Forget it. - Here's a real present -Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway? -- Check it out. - Let me see -OK. Let's see -Oh, God! -You knew I wanted this. God! It's terrific -Just put on the watch and the… and that thing and everything -Oh, God. Oh -Seems like -Old times -Having you -To walk with -Seems like -Old times -Having you to walk with -And it's still a thrill -Just to have my arms around you -Still the thrill -That it was the day I found you -Seems like -Old times -Dinner dates and flowers -Old times -Staying up all hours -Making dreams come true -Doing things we used to do -Seems like old times -Here with -You -Thank you -You were sensational. I told you if you stuck to it you would be great -And… and you know… you were sensational -Well, Alvy, they were just a terrific audience -It makes it really easy for me because I can be… -Excuse me -Hi, I'm Tony Lacey -We just wanted to stop by and say that we really enjoyed your set -Oh, yeah, really? -I thought it was very musical and I liked it a lot -That's really nice. Thanks a lot -Are you recording? Do you… Are you with any label now? -Me? No -No. Not at all -Well, I'd like to talk to you about that sometime if you get a chance -- possibly working together. - Well, that's nice -Oh, listen. This is Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy? -No, but I know your work. I'm a big fan of yours -Thank you very much -This is Shaun and Bob and… Bob and petronia -Hi -We're going back to the pierre. We're staying at the pierre -We're gonna meet Jack and Anjelica and have a drink -If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you -We can just sit and talk. Nothing… -Not a big deal. It's just relaxed. It would just be very mellow -Remember we have that thing -What thing? -Don't you remember we discussed that thing that we were… We had a… -Oh, the thing! -Yeah… -Oh, well, if it's inconvenient, that's fine too. We'll do it another time -Maybe if you're on the coast, we'll get together and meet there -It was a wonderful set. I really enjoyed it -Nice to have met you. Good night -Bye -What's the matter? You wanted to go to that party? -I don't know. I thought it might be kinda fun -It would be nice to meet some new people -I don't think I could take a mellow evening. I don't respond well to mellow -I have a tendency to… If I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot -It's not good for my… -So you don't wanna go to the party. So what do you wanna do? -That was the last day I remember really having a good time -- We never have any laughs any more. - I've been moody and dissatisfied -- How often do you sleep together? - Do you have sex often? -- Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week. - Constantly. I'd say three times a week -- The other night Alvy wanted to have sex. - She would not sleep with me -Then… I don't know… Six months ago I would have done it just to please him -I tried everything, you know. I put on soft music and my red light bulb -But the thing is, since our discussions here -I feel I have a right to my own feelings -I think you would have been happy because I asserted myself -I'm paying for her analysis. And she's making progress and I'm getting screwed -I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it -So I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him -If I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings -She's making progress and I'm not. Her progress is killing my progress -Sometimes I think I should just live with a woman -I don't believe it! You mean to tell me you guys have never snorted coke? -Well, I always wanted to try. But Alvy, he's very down on it -Don't put it on me. I don't wanna put a wad of white powder in my nose -There's the nasal membrane -- You never wanna try anything new, Alvy. - How can you say that? -I said that you, I and that girl from your acting class should have a threesome -- Well, that's sick! - I know it's sick, but it's new -You didn't say it couldn't be sick -Come on, Alvy -Do your body a favour. Try it -I'm sure it's a lot of fun, cos the Incas did it -And they were a million laughs -Come on. For your own experience. You wanna write -It's great stuff. A friend of mine just brought it in from California -Oh, you know, we're going to California next week -It's incredible. I'm thrilled, as you know -On my agent's advice, I sold out and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV -No. That's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award on television -You act like you're violating a moral issue -We have to leave New York during Christmas week, which kills me -Listen, while you're in California, could you possibly score some coke for me? -Oh, sure. I'd be glad to. I'll just put it in a hollow heel that I have on my boot -How much is this stuff, incidentally? -It's about $, an ounce -Really? And what is the kick of it? Cos I never… -I've never been so relaxed as I have been since I moved here, Max -I want you to see my house. I live next to Hugh Hefner. He lets me use the Jacuzzi -And the women are like the women in playboy magazine -only they can move their arms and legs -I can't get over it - this is really Beverly Hills -The architecture's so consistent -French next to Spanish next to Tudor next to Japanese -God! It's so clean out here -They don't throw their garbage out. They make it into TV shows -Give us a break, Max. It's Christmas -Can you believe this is Christmas? -It was snowing and really grey in New York, naturally -Santa Claus'll have sunstroke -Max, there's no crime. There's no mugging -There's no economic crime -But there's ritual religious-cult murders. There's wheat-germ killers out here -While you're out here, I want you to see some of my TV show -And we're invited to a big Christmas party -All right now, Charlie, give me a good laugh here -… limousine to the track break down? -A little bigger -Max, you realise how immoral this all is? -- Max, I got a hit series. - I know. But you're adding fake laughs -… home so early. -Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie -We do this show live in front of an audience -And nobody laughs, cos the jokes aren't funny -That's why this machine is dynamite -Honey, you“d better lie down. You”ve been in the sun too long. -Now give me a medium-sized chuckle here -And then a big hand -Is there booing on that? -Oh, Max -I don't feel well -- What's the matter? - I don't know. I just got… very dizzy -- I feel dizzy, Max. - Well, sit down -Oh, Jesus! -- Are you all right? - I don't know -- You wanna lie down? - No. My stomach felt queasy all morning -- How about a ginger ale? - Oh… Max, no -Maybe I'd better lie down -Why don't you try to get a little of this down? It's just plain chicken -Oh, no. I can't eat this -I'm nauseous -If you can just give me something to get me through the next two hours -I have to go out to Burbank and give out an award on a TV show -There's nothing wrong with you, actually, so far as I can tell -You have no fever. No symptoms of anything serious -- You haven't eaten pork or shellfish. - Excuse me. I'm sorry, doctor -Alvy, that was the show. They said everything is fine -They found a replacement so they're going to tape without you -Jesus! Now I don't get to do the TV show? -- I know. Listen, doctor. - I was just saying, I can't find anything -- Nothing at all? - No. I could get a lab man up here -Can I have the salt, please? -perhaps it would be even better if we took him to hospital for a day or two -Otherwise there's no real way to tell what's going on -This is not bad, actually -Don't tell me we have to walk from the car to the house -My feet haven't touched pavement since I reached Los Angeles -I'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy -I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie -All the good meetings are taken -Right now it's only a notion. But I think I can get money -to make it into a concept, and then turn it into an idea -Like this house, Max? -I even brought a map to get us to the bathroom -You should have told me it was Tony Lacey's party -What difference does that make? -- I think he has a thing for Annie. - No. Unfortunately, Max -- he goes with that girl over there. - Where? -The one with the VpL -Visible panty Line -- Max, she is gorgeous. - Yeah, she's a ten, Max -- Great for you, cos you're used to twos. - There are no twos, Max -The kind with shopping bags in Central park with surgical masks on, muttering -How do you like this couple? They just came back from Masters and Johnson -Yeah. Intensive care ward -My God. Hey, Max, I think she's giving me the eye -If she comes over, my brain'll turn into guacamole -- Hi. - You're Alvy Singer, right? -- Didn't we meet at EST? - No, I was never to EST -- Then how can you criticise it? - Oh, he didn't say anything -I came out to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis -- He's my food taster. Have you two met? - How you doing? -- You taste to see if the food's poisoned? - Yeah. He's crazy -You guys are wearing white. It must be in the stars. Uri Geller must be here -We're gonna operate together -We just need about six weeks. In six weeks we could cut the whole album -I don't know. This is strange to me -You can come and stay here. There's a whole wing you can have -- Yeah? Stay here? - Really. Why are you smiling? -I don't know -Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good meeting -This is a great house. Really. Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts -You know who the original owners were? Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond -- Then you know who lived here? - Trigger -Charlie Chaplin. Right before his un-American thing -That's great -- But you guys are still New Yorkers. - Yeah, I love it there -I used to live there. I used to live there for years, but… It's so dirty now -I'm into garbage. It's my thing -This is a really nice screening room, Tony -There's another thing about New York -If you wanna see a movie, you have to stand in line. It could be freezing -We saw Grand Illusion here last night -Hey, that's a great film if you're high -Come and see our bedroom. We did a fantastic thing -No, thanks, man. I'm cool -It's wonderful. They just eat and watch movies all day -And gradually you get old and die -It's important to make an effort once in a while -Do you think his girlfriend's beautiful? -A tad on the androgynous side, but dynamite -Yeah. I forgot my mantra -That was fun. -I don“t think California”s bad at all. -Its a drag coming home. -A lot of beautiful women. -It was fun to flirt. -I have to face facts. -I adore Alvy, but our relationship doesnt seem to work any more. -Lll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight. -What do I need this? -If only I had the nerve to break up. But it would really hurt him. -If only I didnt feel guilty asking Annie to move out. -Itd probably wreck her. But I should be honest. -Alvy, let's face it. You know… -I don't think our relationship is working -I know. A relationship, I think, is like a shark -It has to constantly move forward, or it dies -And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark -Whose Catcher in the Rye is this? -If it has my name on it, then I guess it's mine -It sure has… You wrote your name in all my books -cos you knew this day was gonna come -Alvy, you wanted to break up just as much as I do -No question. I think we're doing the mature thing, without any doubt -All the books on death and dying are yours, and all the poetry books are mine -Denial of Death. This is the first book that I got you. Remember that day? -Jeez, I feel like there's a great weight off my back. Hm -Oh. Thanks, Annie -Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I think it's really important for us -to explore new relationships and stuff like that -There's no question about that. Cos we've given this a more than fair shot -My analyst thinks this move is key for me -And, you know, I trust her. Because my analyst recommended her -Why should I put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway? -And you know what the beauty part is? -- We can always get back together again. - Exactly -I don't think many couples could handle this. Just break up and remain friends -Hey, this one's mine, this button. I guess these are all yours -Impeach Eisenhower. Impeach Nixon -Impeach Lyndon Johnson. Impeach Ronald Reagan -I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake -She's living in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey -Then the hell with her. If she likes that lifestyle, let her live there -- He's a jerk, for one thing. - He graduated Harvard -He may have… Listen, Harvard makes mistakes too. Kissinger taught there -Don't tell me you're jealous -Yeah. Jealous? A little bit. Like Medea -Can I show you something, lady? I have here… I found this in the apartment -Black soap. She used to wash her face times a day with black soap -Don't ask me why -Why don't you go out with other women? -Well, I tried. But it's… you know, it's very depressing -This always happens to me. Quick! Get a broom! -What are you making such a big deal about? They're only lobsters -You're a grown man. You know how to pick up a lobster -- I'm not myself since I stopped smoking. - When did you quit? - years ago -What do you mean? -Mean? -You stopped smoking years ago. Is that what you said? -I don't understand -Are you joking or what? -Central park's turning green -Yeah. I saw that lunatic that we used to see -with the pinwheel hat, you know, and the roller skates -Listen, I… I want you to come back here -Well… Then I'm gonna come out there and get you -What do you mean, where am I? Where do you think I am? -I'm at the Los Angeles airport. I flew in -I… Well, I flew in to see you -Hey, listen. Can we not debate this on the telephone? -Because I feel that I got a temperature -And I'm getting my chronic Los Angeles nausea already. I don't feel so good -Wherever you wanna meet. I don“t care. L”ll drive in. I rented a car. -Lm driving. What do you… -What, is that such a miracle? Lm driving myself. -I'm gonna have the alfalfa sprouts and… -a plate of mashed yeast -You look very pretty -Oh, no. I just lost a little weight, that's all -Well… you look nice -I've been thinking about it, and I think that we should get married -Oh, Alvy. Come on -Why? You wanna live out here? -It's like living in Munchkin Land -What do you mean? It's perfectly fine out here -I mean, Tony's very nice -And… well, I meet people and I go to parties and we play tennis -I mean, that's a very big step for me, you know -I mean, I'm able to enjoy people more -So… you're not gonna come back to New York? -What's so great about New York? It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice. -You didn't read Death in Venice till I bought it for you -That's right. You only gave me books with the word “death” in the title -Cos it's an important issue -Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life -You're like New York City. You're just this person -You're like this island unto yourself -I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is -If one guy is starving someplace, that's… it puts a crimp in my evening -So you wanna get married or what? -No. We're friends -I wanna remain friends -OK -Check, please! -You're mad, aren't you? -Yes, of course I'm mad. Because you love me. I know that -Alvy,

希望自己的女友更聪明，让她去上自己觉得好的大学课程，希望她喜欢自己喜欢的书还有电影，鼓励她做自己觉得好的工作
但是到最后，it doesn't work at all - 闹太套！
即使她也会感兴趣你的兴趣，谈论你所谈论的东西，但相反距离却比以前没有共同点时更远。

这就是一个左派知识分子比如Woody不可避免的生活还有爱情 -
不断push这个社会或者周围的人，希望变成自己喜欢的样子，却最后却无法也不可能满意
这似乎很合这部电影最初的名字: Anhedonia - 一种总是无法获得快乐的心理状态


左其实不仅仅是一种政治态度而是在生活和行动中被定义的
有的人强烈反对专制，但同时又强迫周围的人接受自己的每一个“右”的观点
有的人追求自由，又巴不得大家都用和他一样的方式追求自由
在我看来，这样的人本质上也是左的


而右，本质上说是一种自由特别是开放的心态，不仅对自己，也对他人
给定一些本性上得相同，就能从别人的不同之中体会到新鲜，有所收获
而自己的观点的陈述，也不必要读者都赞同，只希望能有所启发
你想，要是你的每一个观点你身边的人都赞同而且想法都一样，那多无聊呢！

读phd有一个好处就是，你学一个东西学到非常深入
你就理解了人的交流和相互理解在深层次意义上的不可能性
比如同做宏观的人，有不同的流派
而同一个流派，也会有不同的关注点
即使关注点相同，你的数据和方法的不同也会使得你不认同对方的结论
生活中也是如此
你们喜欢同一本书，同样类型的照片，同样的音乐
仅仅能提供给你们同样的话题而已
所以Woody建议Annie去上大量的他推荐课程，却无益于他们的交流


而本质上的认同和理解，却不是同样的话题就能够带来的
最重要的是两点：
- 本性的相似和互相欣赏
- 开放的态度，对不同的容忍甚至欣赏
前者可能包括善良，执著，有好奇心等等你内心深处赞赏的价值观
而后者则是让两个人的本性跨过表面意义上交流而得到沟通所必须的

最新一集的《how I met your mother》里面有这样一段情节：

Ted找了一个新女友，Robin阿姨和barney叔叔就在网上人肉这个姑娘，结果发现她酗酒吸毒，前夫是杀人犯之类之类如此如此，而ted最受不了的却是这个姑娘不喜欢《安妮霍尔》，她在IMDB给《安妮霍尔》 打了两星（十星制），评语是“slow and overrated”。两位人肉人员皆惊讶于Ted竟然忽略其他惊人背景不顾而去在乎一个《安妮霍尔》的影评。

为什么是《安妮霍尔》？，这完全是编剧的刻意为之，当我看到这段，就想到《盗梦空间》里梦境套梦境最后反映现实的桥段，《安妮霍尔》里面的艾维辛各到《how I met your mother》的泰德摩斯比再到现实中的我，这些人就纠结于这么些问题。

我之前说过文艺女青年是十分难搞定的女性，其实所有的文艺青年无论男女都十分难搞定，Ted所表现出来的就是文艺青年或者是文艺青年的进化体——知识分子的通病，神交有时候比性交更加重要。

我认为一个正常的男青年对有好感的女性应该有以下标准，腰围胸围臀围的比例是否和谐，面容是否姣好。而一个文艺男青年（不是冒牌的）会把看没看过《肖申克的救赎》当作标准，并且觉得《肖申克的救赎》已经是普罗大众雅俗共赏的电影了，标准十分的低，假如姑娘张口一句：那是什么？，那么文艺男青年下半身准备充盈某器官的血液会立马回流到大脑，拿来思索这姑娘到底是怎么回事！这可比ED可怕的多。

这种病真实存在，只不过没有像电视剧里的Ted那么夸张而已。我称这种病为文艺ED。: p

文艺女和文艺男在一起就能和谐了吗？看看《安妮霍尔》也并非如此，所以文艺男女青年就是这个世界上无法解决自身矛盾的一种人。

我一直认为一个人之所以有优点是因为有某些缺点在支撑，而有缺点是因为某些优点的存在，于是人性辩证统一的成为没有好坏没有完美的东西。文艺青年的优点造就了这些缺点，作为一个能明确看到这些缺点的人，我就想狡猾的避免掉。我见到稍微有点文艺倾向的人就会对他们说，装装就好，不要太深入。我总是在说自己装文艺，首先是因为文艺这个词已经不是褒义词了，鱼龙混杂的文艺青年们让这个词慢慢的成为了骂人的字眼，并且我也不想成为带有文艺青年缺点的人，我的自省力一直在推着我远离一切的缺点。

于是我辩证统一的总结道：神交和性交同等重要。唉，这真是一句屁话。