安妮·霍尔

男人的自信建立在与各种不同类型的女人的接触，以及这些女人们对他的接受程度之上。——索尔·贝娄

秃顶、性能力减退、觉得生活无意义、开始关注死亡——典型的伍迪·艾伦式的中年危机象征。很难想象，伍迪·艾伦的中年危机感从42岁拍《安妮·霍尔》开始（也许更早）一直持续到57岁时拍《丈夫和妻子》（也许会一直持续下去）。
在1977年拍摄的《安妮·霍尔》中，伍迪·艾伦扮演一个高明的喜剧演员阿尔维（Alvy），他非常幽默，见解精辟，对女人很有吸引力。他初次遇见安妮·霍尔是在网球场上，安妮显然对他一见钟情。和阿尔维的前两任太太不同（第一任是一个毫无情趣的剧场工作人员，第二任是一个热衷于社交却毫不关心正常生活的做作的女人），年轻的安妮显得纯真、质朴而不乏个性（她居然可以穿衬衫、马甲、打领带）。阿尔维很快便和安妮陷入热恋中。
成熟渊博的阿尔维立刻成为了安妮的精神向导，他推荐她看书（全是关于死亡主题的，因为那是阿尔维最关心的话题）；建议她去大学旁听文学课以提高修养；总是带她去看同一部战争电影（阿尔维是犹太人，每次看这部电影都会潸然泪下）；他去酒吧听安妮唱歌，并给她鼓励……安妮很崇拜阿尔维。在恋爱关系开始不久后，她想搬去和阿尔维同住。她的想法遭到了抵制情绪，阿尔维并不想和她同居，而是保持一种游刃有余的状态。“如果住在一起，那和结婚有什么区别呢？”这时阿尔维显然居于情感的上峰，他对自己中年男人的魅力充满了自信，他确信安妮在情感上完全臣服于自己，而他不想把自己束缚在单调的家庭生活中。
不久，情况发生了改变。危机悄悄从暗处浮出水面。首先阿尔维发现安妮在每次作爱前总是要吸大麻，她说她须要借此放松，而他认为她不能全身心投入。然后他发现她和大学教授“打得火热”（而正是他建议她去旁听大学课程），于是他跟踪并质问她，得到的回答却是“是你不想做出承诺，是你要求保持互不干涉的关系！”这时阿尔维觉得事情渐渐开始逃逸于自己的掌握之外——他不再是一个控制者。
安妮在酒吧的歌唱事业有了起色，她开始有仰慕者，开始参加派对，开始表达自己的想法，开始和阿尔维争吵。最终他们决裂，安妮去了加州发展自己的事业（也许是开始一段新恋情）。安妮的离去，使得阿尔维彻底陷入了瘫痪状态。他无法思考，对自己失去信心，终于，他决定去加州找回安妮。一见到安妮，他就开始装可怜，诉说自己身体如何不适，想以此来达到效果（安妮也曾经在两人的冷战中装可怜，在寂寞的夜里以浴室里有巨大的蜘蛛为由骗阿尔维来看望她，阿尔维也非常配合），可是安妮毫不理会；他提出结婚请求安妮回到身边，可是安妮显然已经有了自己的生活，最终两人不欢而散。
后来阿尔维常常在不同的场合看见安妮卖弄着从他这里批发来的高明见解，可是那已经是一个独立的安妮，和他再也没有什么关系了。而他总也搞不清楚为什么安妮和他分了手。
至此，伍迪·艾伦在影片开头的独白中所谓的危机感得以层层剥落、凸显。一旦感受到危机，就会对很多东西产生不信任，对身边的人不信任，对自己不信任，阿尔维显然还没有学会适应和处理危机。到了1992年拍摄的《丈夫和妻子》，这种危机感成为更为现实的一种生活化描述。危机感不再是一种虚无飘渺的焦虑引申（例如谢顶），而是切实的对现有生活丧失信任。
Gabe和Judy、Jack和Sally是两对夫妇，而且是密友。Gabe（伍迪·艾伦扮演）是一位大学教授业余从事小说创作，他怀疑妻子为了生孩子而偷偷不吃避孕药（明显的不信任），而他的妻子Judy总是觉得丈夫不再爱自己，因为生活过于平淡，一如既往，没有新鲜感。所以，Gabe和一个聪明的学生Rain眉来眼去（而Rain病态地只倾向于老男人），Judy爱上了高大帅气的同事Michael。
Jack一直是一个忠于家庭的安稳的丈夫（虽然一直觉得妻子Sally在性生活上很冷淡），直到有一天他的朋友给了介绍了一位电话女郎（美国的高价妓女）。一度风流过后，他再也不想过平板无味的生活，于是开始和一位性感的健美女教练交往。Sally在一次偶然的机会中发现了丈夫的不忠，从此自尊心受到了打击，声称要过单身生活。
然而，当每个人都脱离原有生活轨道去寻求新的刺激时，却又产生了新的落差。
Gabe认为Rain是个不凡的学生，他非常在意甚至是迷信她对自己作品的看法，可是一次乘出租车，Rain竟然把Gabe的小说忘在了车上。当他们终于找到小说时，敏感的Gabe已经产生了危机感（在片中有一个小细节，出租车司机以为Rain是Gabe的漂亮女儿，这是一个很明显的中年危机暗示）。Rain邀请Gabe去参加她的二十一岁生日派对，那天下着雷雨，突然停电了，Rain和Gabe就躲到了阁楼上，Rain想引诱Gabe，可是Gabe却被某种莫名的压迫感包围，他不停担心闪电会劈死自己，他表现得惴惴不安、举止失常，最后，他冒雨离开了。后来，他和Judy离了婚。Judy和Michael结了婚，但也并非一帆风顺。Judy生性恬退隐忍、以退为进，她很中意Michael，却把他介绍给了刚刚受到情感挫折的好友Sally。在Michael和Sally的交往过程中，她一直扮演一个旁观者，看着别人的幸福，将自己置于尴尬之境。最后Sally和前夫复婚，Judy才得以和Michael结婚。表面上她是以退为进的赢家，其实又何尝不是被琐屑的生活、逝去的魅力困扰着。
比较戏剧化的是Sally和Jack这对夫妇。Jack在离婚后很快地投入了短暂而“幸福”的生活，他和健美教练好上了，而且认为自己找到了真正的归宿。可是不久，他就发现了健美教练是个没有头脑、庸俗无聊的女人，完全不能融入他的圈子，而且死缠烂打。这让他根本无法忍受（伍迪·艾伦经常用撞车来表现情绪的失控和困境，在《安妮·霍尔》中，阿尔维在安妮离去时想发动汽车追安妮，却不停地与停在四周的汽车相撞；Jack面对歇斯底里的健美教练时亦然）。于是他冲回了原来的家，要求与Sally复合。Sally虽然接受了Judy为她介绍的Michael，但始终没有从婚姻的挫折中恢复过来，她认为Jack爱她，但是又丝毫不能忍受Jack和别的女人来往。在他们离婚后，她一度摆出单身的姿态，但那只是姿态，她知道自己需要一个人陪伴。所以，当Jack道歉后，她又回到了他身边。他们开始学会互相协调，开始准备相伴到老，他们明白生活不可能尽善尽美，他们只能向无法解决的性问题妥协以换得平静的生活。
人必须克服危机，这是生命的要求。即使丧失了对生活的信任，人还是得生活。大家在躲避危机的时候，兜了一个大圈子，最后发现只有和危机相融合，将危机视为必然，才能和危机和睦相处。这是从《安妮·霍尔》到《丈夫和妻子》的发展。
有趣的是，不管伍迪·艾伦在电影中是怎样的尽心尽力从不同角度叙述那种无所不在的叫做“危机”的东西，在现实生活中，伍迪·艾伦好像从未被危机感打倒。从露易丝·拉瑟到黛安·基顿，到与他同居十一年的米亚·法萝（《丈夫和妻子》中Judy的扮演者），他把私人生活和演艺事业结合得极为紧密，而且无往不利。年龄、秃顶、性欲减退都不是问题，在他渐入老境之际，他仍然扮演着控制者的角色——与米亚·法萝分手，和他们俩收养的韩国女孩结婚。他也许会经常受到危机的困扰，但是，那只是暂时的，过段时间一切都会好起来，就像Gabe总得写一部新的小说一样。在电影中他对危机作细致入微的分析，使得他在生活中可以对危机这个东西享有绝对的主动权。
http://www.blogcn.com//user62/artcenter/blog/25017172.html

There's an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill Mountain resort -One of 'em says, “The food at this place is really terrible.” -The other one says, “Yeah, I know. And such small portions.” -That's essentially how I feel about life -Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness -And it's all over much too quickly -The other important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx -I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious. -It goes like this - I'm paraphrasing. I would never wanna belong to any club -that would have someone like me for a member -That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women -Lately the strangest things have been going through my mind -Cos I turned , and I guess I'm going through a life crisis -I'm not worried about ageing. Although I'm balding slightly on top -That's about the worst you can say about me -I think I'm gonna get better as I get older -I think I'm gonna be the balding virile type -as opposed to, say, the distinguished grey, for instance -Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth -who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag -screaming about socialism -Annie and I broke up. And I still can't get my mind around that -I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind -examining my life, and trying to figure out - where did the screwup come? -A year ago we were… in love, you know -And… It's funny… I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character -I… I… You know… -I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess -I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II -He's been depressed. All of a sudden he can't do anything -- Why are you depressed, Alvy? - Tell Dr Flicker -It's something he read -Something he read, uh? -- The universe is expanding. - The universe is expanding? -The universe is everything. If it's expanding, someday it will break apart -and that will be the end of everything -What is that your business? -He stopped doing his homework -- What's the point? - What has the universe got to do with it? -You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding! -It won't be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy -And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves while we're here, uh? -My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories. -But I was brought up under the roller coaster -in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. -Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous. -I have a hyperactive imagination. -My mind tends to jump around a little. -I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. -My father ran the bumper car concession. -There he is. -And there I am. -I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time. -I remember the staff at our public school. -We had a saying: “Those who can”t do, teach, -and those who can“t teach, teach gym.” -And those who couldnt do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. -I always thought my schoolmates were idiots. -Melvyn Greenglass. His fat little face. -And Henrietta Farrell. Just Miss perfect all the time. -And lvan Ackerman. Always the wrong answer. Always. -Seven and three is nine -Even then, I knew they were just jerks. -In I had already discovered women. -He kissed me! He kissed me! -That's the second time this month! Step up here -- What did I do? - Step up here! -You should be ashamed of yourself -Why? I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity -Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds -I did -For God's sakes, Alvy! Even Freud speaks of a latency period -Well, I never had a latency period. I can't help it -Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? Now there was a model boy -Tell the folks where you are today -I run a profitable dress company -Sometimes I wonder where my classmates are today. -I'm president of the pinkus plumbing Company -I sell tallises -I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a methadone addict -I'm into leather -I lost track of most of my schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian. -They did not take me in the army. I was… Interestingly enough… I was -p -In the event of war, I'm a hostage -You always only saw the worst in people -You never could get along with anyone in school -You were always out of step with the world -Even when you got famous, you still distrusted the world -I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, “Jew.” -You're crazy -We were walking off the tennis court. Him and me and his wife -He looked at her and they both looked at me. And under his breath he said, “Jew.” -Alvy, you're a total paranoid -I pick up on those kinda things -I was having lunch with some guys from NBC. So I said, “Did you eat yet or what?” -And Tom Christie said, “No. D'you?” -Not “Did you”. “D'you eat?” “D'you?” -Not “Did you eat?” but “D'you eat?” “Jew?” You get it? “Jew eat?” -- Max… - Stop calling me Max -Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything -I was in a record store. There's this big, tall, blond, crew-cutted guy -looking at me in a funny way and saying, “We have a sale this week on Wagner.” -Wagner, Max. Wagner. I know what he's really trying to tell me, very significantly -Right, Max -California, Max -- Get the hell out of this crazy city. - Forget it -We move to sunny LA. All of show business is there -No. I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage -is that you can make a right turn on a red light -Forget it. Aren't you late for meeting Annie? -I'm meeting her at the Beekman. I have a few minutes -Are you on television? -Once in a while. Occasionally -- What's your name? - You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter -You were on the… uh… The Johnny Carson, right? -Once in a while, you know -What's your name? -I'm… I'm Robert Redford -Come on! -Alvy Singer. It was nice… Thanks very much for everything -Hey! -What? -This is Alvy Singer! -Fellas, you know… -This guy's on television. Alvy Singer? Am I right? -- Give me a break. - This guy's on television -I need a large polo mallet -- Who's on television? - On The Johnny Carson Show. -Is this a meeting of the Teamsters? -- What programme? - Can I have your autograph? -- You don't want my autograph. - No, I do. It's for my girlfriend -Make it out to Ralph -- Your girlfriend's name is Ralph? - It's for my brudder -You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star? -Alvy Singer over here! -It's all right, fellas -Jesus! What did you do? Come by way of the panama Canal? -- I'm in a bad mood. - I'm here with the cast of The Godfather. -- You have to learn to deal with it. - I'm dealing with guys named Cheech! -please. I have a headache, all right? -You are in a bad mood. You must be getting your period -Every time anything out of the ordinary happens, you think I'm getting my period! -A little louder. I think one of them may have missed it -- Has the picture started? - It started two minutes ago -That's it. Forget it. I can't go in -- Two minutes, Alvy. - I can't do it. We've blown it already -I can't go in in the middle -We'll only miss the titles. They're in Swedish -- You wanna get coffee for two hours? - Two hours? No. I'm going in -- Go ahead. Goodbye. - While we're talking, we could be inside -Can we not stand here and argue in front of everybody? I get embarrassed -All right. So what do you wanna do? -I don't know now. You wanna go to another movie? -Let's go see The Sorrow and the pity. -Come on. I'm not in the mood to see a four-hour documentary on Nazis -Well, I'm sorry. I've gotta see a picture exactly from the start to the finish -Cos… Cos I'm anal -That's a polite word for what you are -We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday. It is not one of his best -It lacks a cohesive structure -You get the feeling that he's not absolutely sure what it is he wants to say -I've always felt he was essentially a technical filmmaker -Granted, La Strada was a great film. Great in its use of negative imagery -I can't stand this guy. I'm gonna have a stroke -Well, stop listening to him -He's screaming his opinions in my ear -Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon. -I found it incredibly… indulgent -He really is. He's one of the most indulgent filmmakers -The key word here is indulgent -Without getting… -- What are you depressed about? - I missed my therapy. I overslept -- How can you possibly oversleep? - The alarm clock -Do you know what a hostile gesture that is to me? -I know. Because of our sexual problem, right? -Everybody at The New Yorker has to know our rate of intercourse? -It's like Samuel Beckett -I admire the technique, but it doesn't hit me on a gut level -- I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level. - Stop it, Alvy! -He's spitting on my neck. He's spitting on my neck when he talks -You know, you're so egocentric that if I miss my therapy -you can only think of it in terms of how it affects you. -Weltanschauung is what it is -probably on their first date -probably met by answering an ad in the New York Review of Books. -Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman -who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy -Our sexual problem? I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn -OK. I'm very sorry. My sexual problem. OK? My sexual problem -I never read that. That was a Henry James novel? Sequel of The Turn of the Screw? -It's the influence of television -Now, Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a high… -high intensity. You understand? A hot medium… -What I wouldn't give for a large sock with horse manure in it -What do you do when you get stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind? -Why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country -Do you have to give it so loud? Aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? -The funny part is, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan -Really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called TV, Media and Culture. -So I think my insights into Mr McLuhan have a great deal of validity -Oh, do you? That's funny, because I happen to have Mr McLuhan right here -Just let me… Come over here a second -I heard what you were saying -You know nothing of my work -You mean my whole fallacy is wrong -How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing -Boy, if life were only like this! -June th, . The German army occupies paris. -All over the country, people are desperate for every available scrap of news. -Those guys in the French Resistance were really brave -To have to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much -Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture -The Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card -and you'd tell 'em everything -That movie makes me feel guilty -Yeah, cos it's supposed to -Alvy… -What? What… What's the matter? -I don't… I don't know -It's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time -Well, it's just that I gotta sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice -There's always an excuse. You used to think I was very sexy -When we first started going out, we had sex constantly -We're probably in the Guinness Book of World Records. -Alvy, it'll pass. I'm going through a phase. That's all -You've been married before. You know how things can get -You were very hot for Allison at first -You're on right after Chris Brown, which looks about minutes -Excuse me. When do I go on? -Who are you? -Alvy Singer -I'm a comedian -Oh, comedian. Yeah -Oh. You're on next -What do you mean, next? I'm… -You're on right after this act -No, it can't be. Because he's a comic -Yes -- You're putting on two comics in a row? - Why not? -No, I'm sorry. I don't wanna go on after another comedian -It's OK -No. Because they're laughing. So I'd… rather not -Will you relax? They're gonna love you -I'd prefer not to. Look. They're laughing at him -They're gonna laugh at him then I gotta go out -I gotta get laughs too. How much can they laugh? -- They're laughed out. - Do you feel all right? -Jesus! -What's your name? -Allison -Yeah? -Allison what? -portchnik -- That's nice. - Thank you -Allison portchnik -So, what are you telling me? You work for Stevenson all the time or what? -No. I'm in the midst of doing my thesis -On what? -political Commitment in th-Century Literature. -You're like… New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual -Central park West, Brandeis University, socialist summer camps? -The father with the Ben Shahn drawings? The really strike-oriented… -Stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself -No. That was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype -Right. I'm a bigot. But for the Left -I have to go out there. Say something encouraging. Quickly -- I think you're cute. - Do you? -Go ahead -I don't know why they would have me at this kind of rally cos… -I'm not essentially a political comedian at all -I interestingly had… dated a woman -in the Eisenhower administration briefly -And it was ironic to me cos… -Cos I was trying to do to her -what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years -I'm sorry. I can't go through with this -I can't get it off my mind, Allison. It's obsessing me -I'm getting tired of it. I need your attention -But it doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository -and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound -So how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once? -It doesn't make sense! -I'll tell you this. He was not marksman enough -to hit a moving target at that range -But… -if there was a second assassin… -- That's it! - We've been through this -They recovered the shells from that rifle -OK. What are you saying now? -Everybody on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right? -Well, why not? -Yeah. Earl Warren? -Hey, honey. I don't know Earl Warren -Lyndon Johnson? -Lyndon Johnson is a politician! You know the ethics those guys have -It's like a notch underneath child molester -Then everybody's in on the conspiracy -The FBI and the CIA and J Edgar Hoover and oil companies -and the pentagon and the men's room attendant at the White House -I would leave out the men's room attendant -You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me -Oh, my God! -She's right -Why did I turn off Allison portchnik? -She was beautiful, she was willing, she was real intelligent -Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that I just don't wanna belong to any club -that would have someone like me for a member? -Alvy, don't panic! please stop it! -It's a mistake to ever bring a live thing in the house -Stop it! Go for that one there -Maybe we should call the police. Dial . It's the lobster squad -They're only baby ones, for God's sakes -- If they're only babies, you pick 'em up. - All right! All right! -- Here you go! - Don't give it to me! Don't! -Look! One crawled behind the refrigerator -It'll turn up in our bed at night -Will you get out of here with that thing? Jesus! -Talk to 'em. You speak shellfish -Hey, look. put it in the pot -I can't put it in the pot! I can't put a live thing in hot water! -You think we're gonna take him to the movies? -Oh, good, Alvy. Oh, thank you -OK. It's in. It's definitely in the pot -Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator -I can't get it out. This thing's heavy -Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it'll run out -I'm gonna get my camera -I think if I could pry the door off… -We should have gotten steaks. They don't run around -Goddamn it! Oh, jeez! -pick this lobster up. Hold it, please -You're gonna take pictures now? -Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely! -Oh, God! That's disgusting! -One more, Alvy. please! -Oh, good! Good! -Here's what I want to know. Am I your first big romance? -Oh, no. No, no -Really? Who was? -There was Dennis from Chippewa Falls High School -Dennis? Local kid? Would meet you in front of the movie house? -You should have seen what I looked like then. -I can imagine. probably the wife of an astronaut. -Then there was Jerry, the actor. -Look at you. You're such a clown -I look pretty -You always look pretty. But that guy… -Acting is like an exploration of the soul. It's very religious -Like a kind of liberating consciousness -It's like a visual poem -Is he kidding with that crap? -Oh, right -I think I know exactly what you mean when you say “religious” -You do? -- Oh, come on. I was younger. - Hey, that was last year -It's like when I think of dying -- You know how I'd like to die? - No. How? -I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals -Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels! -Listen, he was a terrific actor. He's neat-looking and he was emotional… -I don't think you like emotion too much -Touch my heart… with your foot -I may throw up -He was creepy -I think you're pretty lucky I came along -Oh, really? Well, la-de-da -If anyone had ever told me I would be taking out a girl -who used expressions like la-de-da… -You really like those New York girls -- Well, not just. Not only. - I'd say so. You married two of them -There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at princeton -The short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell -Two more chairs, they got a dining room set -- Why are you so hostile? - Cos I wanna watch the Knicks on TV -Is that paul Goodman? No -Be nice to the host, because he's publishing my book -Douglas Wyatt. The Foul Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. -I'm so tired of making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery. -Commentary. -Really? I heard Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery. -No jokes. These are friends, OK? -Here you are -There's people out there -Two minutes ago the Knicks are ahead points, and now they're ahead two points -What is so fascinating about a group of pituitary cases -trying to stuff a ball through a hoop? -What is fascinating is that it's physical -Intellectuals prove you can be absolutely brilliant -and have no idea what's going on -But, on the other hand, the body doesn't lie -as we now know -Stop acting out -It'll be great. All those phDs are in there discussing modes of alienation -and we'll be in here quietly humping -Alvy, don't. You're using sex to express hostility -Why do you always reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories? -He said, as he removed her brassiere -There are people out there from The New Yorker magazine! -Oh, my God -What would they think? -Damn siren! -OK. Don't get upset -Dammit! I was so close! -Last night it was a guy honking his car horn. The city can't close down -You wanna have them shut down the airport too? -No more flights so we can have sex? -I'm too tense. I need a Valium -My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York -We can't have this discussion. The country makes me nervous -You've got crickets. There's no place to walk after dinner -The screens with the dead moths behind 'em -You got the Manson family, possibly. You got Dick and Terry -OK! OK! My analyst just thinks I'm too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium? -It's quiet now. We can start again -I can't. My head is throbbing -- You got a headache? - I have a headache -Bad? -- Like Oswald in Ghosts. - Jesus! -Where are you going? -I'm going to take another in a series of cold showers -Max, my serve will send you to the showers early -The failure of the country to get behind New York City is anti-Semitism -Max, the city is terribly run -I'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin -Every time some group disagrees with you, it's because of anti-Semitism -The rest of the country sees New York -as left-wing, Communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers -I think of us that way sometimes, and I live here -Max, if we lived in California, we could play outdoors every day in the sun -Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad -Sun, milk, red meat, college -I know, but I… -Egad. Here he comes -You know Alvy? This is Janet -This is Annie Hall -This is Alvy -Who's playing with who? -You and me against them? -- I can't play too good, you know? - I've had four lessons -Hi! -Well… -Bye -You play very well -Oh, yeah? So do you -Oh, God. What a dumb thing to say, right? -You say, “You play well” and then right away I have to say, “You play well.” -Oh! -God, Annie. Well… -Oh, well -You want a lift? -Oh, why? -You got a car? -Me? No. I was gonna take a cab -Oh, no. I have a car -You have a car? -I don't understand. If you have a car, so then… -why did you say, “Do you have a car?” Like you wanted a lift? -I don't… I don't… -Jeez, I don't know. I wasn't… -It's… I've got this VW out there -What a jerk! Yeah -Would you like a lift? -Sure. Which way are you going? -Me? Downtown -I'm going uptown -Well, you know, I'm going uptown too -You just said you were going downtown -Sorry -I can go uptown too. I live uptown, but what the hell! -Lt'll be nice having company. I hate driving alone -So where do you know Janet from? -- I'm in her acting class. - You're an actress? -Well, I do commercials, sort of -- You're not from New York, right? - Chippewa Falls -- Where? - Wisconsin -You're driving a tad rapidly -Don't worry. I'm a very good driver. I'm good -- You want some gum anyway? - No. No, thanks -Hey, don't… No, no. Would you watch the road? I'll get it! -- I'll get you a piece. - So, you drive? -Do I drive? No. I've got a problem with driving -Oh, you do? -I've got a licence, but I have too much hostility -Nice car. You keep it nice -Can I ask you? Is this a sandwich? -Huh? Oh, yeah -I live over here. Oh, my God! Look! There's a parking space -That's OK. We can walk to the kerb from here -- You want your tennis stuff? - Oh. Yeah -That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot -Well… -Thank you -You're a wonderful tennis player and… -you're the worst driver I've ever seen in my life -Anyplace. Europe. The United… Anyplace. Asia -- And I love what you're wearing. - Oh, you do, yeah? -Oh, well, it's a… This tie is a present from Grammy Hall -Who? Grammy… Grammy Hall? -Yeah, my grammy -Did you grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting? -- Your grammy? - I know. It's pretty silly, isn't it? -My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks -Well… -Thank you again -Hey, you wanna come upstairs and have a glass of wine or something? -I mean, you don't have to. You're probably late -No, that'd be fine. I wouldn't mind. Sure -I've got time. I've got nothing… till my analyst appointment -Oh, you see an analyst? -Yeah. Just for years -I'm gonna give him one more year and then I'm going to Lourdes -… Nah! Come on! -Yeah? Really? -Sylvia plath? Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide -was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality -Oh, sorry -I don't know. Some of her poems seem neat -Neat? I hate to tell you, this is -“Neat” went out, I would say, at the turn of the century -Who are those photos on the wall? -Oh! Well, you see now… that's my dad -That's Father. And that's my brother Duane -- Duane? - Yeah, right. Duane -And over there is Grammy Hall. And that's Sadie -- Who's Sadie? - Oh, well, Sadie… -Sadie met Grammy through Grammy's brother George -George was real sweet. He had that thing… -What is that thing where you fall asleep in the middle of a sentence? What is it? -- Narcolepsy. - Right, right! -So anyway… George went to the union, you see, to get his free turkey -The union always gave George this free turkey at Christmas time -because he was shell-shocked in the First World War -Anyway, so George is standing in line - oh, just a sec - getting his free turkey -But the thing is, is that he falls asleep -and he never wakes up! -So… so he's dead! -He's dead. Yeah -Oh, dear -Well… Terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say? I mean, that's pretty awful -It's a great story, though. It really made my day -I think I should get outta here cos I think I'm imposing -Really? Well, maybe… -You know, I… -- You don't have to, you know. - I'm all perspired and everything -Didn't you take a shower at the club? -Me? No. Cos I never shower in a public place -Why not? -Cos I don't like to get naked in front of another man -Oh, I see. I see -I don't like to show my body to a man of my gender -You never know what's gonna happen -- years, huh? - years, yeah. That's… -God bless -You're what Grammy Hall would call “a real Jew” -Thank you -Yeah, well, she hates Jews. She thinks that they just make money -But she's the one. Is she ever! I'm tellin' you -So did you do those photographs in there or what? -Yeah. I sort of dabble around, you know. I dabble? Listen to me - what a jerk! -They're wonderful, you know. They have a… a quality. You are a great-looking girl. -Well, I would like to take a serious photography course. He probably thinks lm a yo-yo. -photography's interesting cos it's a new art form, I wonder what she looks like naked. -And a set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet -Aesthetic criteria? You mean whether it's a good photo or not? Lm not smart enough for him. Hang in there. -The medium enters in as a condition of the art form itself. I don“t know what l”m saying. She senses lm shallow. -Well… to me… I mean, it's… it's… It's all instinctive. I just try to feel it. God, I hope he doesnt turn out to be a shmuck like the others. -I try to get a sense of it and not think about it so much -Still, you need a set of aesthetic guidelines to put it in social perspective. Christ, I sound like FM radio. Relax! -Well, I don't know -I guess you must be sort of late, huh? -You know, I gotta get there and begin whining soon. Otherwise I… -- Hey, are you busy Friday night? - Me? -Oh, uh, no -Oh, I'm sorry! I have something -What about Saturday night? -Nothing. No, no -You're very popular, I can see -- I know. - Do you have plague? -Well, I mean, I meet a lot of jerks -I meet a lot of jerks too. I think that's a… -But I'm thinking about getting some cats -Oh, wait a second. Oh, no, no! -Oh, shoot! No. Saturday night I'm gonna… -I'm gonna sing. Yeah -You're gonna sing? Do you sing? No kidding? -- This is my first time. - Really? Where? I'd like to come -- Oh, no! - I'm interested -I'm just… I'm auditioning at this club. I don't… -- It's my first time. - It's OK. I know exactly what that's like -You're gonna like nightclubs. They're really a lot of fun -It had to be you -It had to be you -I wandered around -And finally found -The somebody who -Could make me be true -Could make me be blue -And even be glad -Just to be sad -Thinking of you -I was awful! I'm so ashamed! I can't sing! -So the audience was a tad restless -What do you mean, a tad restless? They hated me! -They didn't! You have a wonderful voice! -- I'm gonna quit. - I won't let you. You have a great voice -- Really? Do you think so? Really? - Yeah. It's terrific -I never even took a lesson, either -Hey, listen. Give me a kiss -- Really? - Because we're just gonna go home later -There's gonna be all that tension and I won't know when to make the right move -So we'll kiss now, we'll get it over with and then go eat -- We'll digest our food better. - OK -So now we can digest our food -I'm gonna have the corned beef, please -Oh. I'm gonna have pastrami on white bread -with mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce -So… your second wife left you. And were you depressed about that? -Nothing that a few megavitamins couldn't cure -And your first wife? Allison? -She was nice, but… That was my fault. I was just… I was too crazy -That was so nice -That was nice -As Balzac said, “There goes another novel.” -You were great -Yeah. I'm wrecked -- You're wrecked! - I mean it -I will never play the piano again -It was… I don't know. You really thought it was good? -Yes -That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing -Here. You want some? -No. I… I don't… use any major hallucinogenics because I… -took a puff about five years ago at a party and… -Tried to take my pants off over my head -Something got in one ear -Well, I don't really… I don't do it very often -It just sort of relaxes me -- You're not gonna believe this, but… - What? -I'm gonna buy you these books because I think you should read them -- Instead of that cat book. - That's pretty serious stuff there -Yeah. Cos I'm obsessed with death, I think. Big subject with me -I have a very pessimistic view of life -You should know this if we're gonna go out -I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable -Those are the two categories. The horrible would be like terminal cases -And blind people. And cripples. I don't know how they get through life -And the miserable is everyone else -So you should be thankful that you're miserable -You're very lucky to be miserable -Look at that guy -In the pink. Mr Miami Beach there -He's just come back from the gin rummy finals -placed third -Look at these guys. They're back from Fire Island. They're giving it a chance -- Italian, right? - Him? Yeah, he's the Mafia -Linen supply business or cement and contracting, I think -“Oh, gee! Must have my moustache waxed.” -There's the winner of the Truman Capote lookalike contest -You are extremely sexy. Unbelievably sexy -- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are -You know what you are? You're polymorphously perverse -What does that mean? I don't know what that is -You're exceptional in bed because you get pleasure -in every part of your body when I touch you. Like the tip of your nose -If I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps, you suddenly get excited -You know what? I like you -I really do like you -Do you love me? That's the key question -I know you've only known me a short while -I think that's sort of… Yeah. Yeah, yeah -Do you love me? -Love is… too weak a word for… the way I feel -I lurve you. You know, I loave you -I luff you. With two Fs. Yes, I have to invent… -Of course I do. Don't you think I do? -I don't know -You're not gonna give up your apartment, are you? -Of course -- But why? - I'm moving in with you -- But you've got a nice apartment. - I have a tiny apartment -- I know it's small. - And it's got bad plumbing and bugs -Granted. It has bad plumbing and bugs. You say that like it's a negative thing -You know, bugs are… Entomology is a rapidly growing field -- You don't want me to live with you. - I don't want you to live with me? -- Whose idea was it? - Mine -It was yours, actually. But I approved it immediately -I guess you think I talked you into something, huh? -No! We live together, we sleep together, we eat together -Jesus! You don't want it to be like we're married, do you? -- How is it any different? - Cos you keep your own apartment -We don't have to go to it. We don't have to deal with it -It's like a free-floating life raft. That we know that we're not married -That little apartment is $ a month, Alvy -- That place is $ a month? - Yes, it is -It's got bad plumbing and bugs -Jesus! My accountant will write it off as a tax deduction. I'll pay for it -- You don't think I'm smart enough. - Hey, don't be ridiculous -Then why are you always pushing me to take college courses like I was dumb? -Adult education's a wonderful thing -You meet interesting professors. It's stimulating -Does this sound like a good course? -“Modern American poetry”? -Or let's see now. Maybe I should take… -“Introduction to the Novel” -Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf. -Hey, what do you think? You think we should go to that party in Southampton? -Don't be silly. What do we need other people for? -We should just turn out the lights and play hide the salami or something -Well, listen, I'm gonna get a cigarette -Grass, right? The illusion that it will make a white woman more like Billie Holiday -- Well, have you ever made love high? - Me? No -If I have grass or alcohol or anything, I get unbearably wonderful -I get too wonderful for words -I don't know why you have to get high every time we make love -- Well, it relaxes me. - You have to be artificially relaxed -- before we can go to bed? - What's the difference? -Take a shot of Sodium pentothal. You can sleep through it -You've been seeing a psychiatrist for years -You should smoke this. You'd be off the couch in no time -- Come on. You don't need that. - What are you doing? -- No, Alvy. please. - You can live without it once -Wait. I got a great idea -Hang in there for a second. I got a little artefact -A little erotic artefact that I brought up from the city -which I think is gonna be perfect -There. Create a little old New Orleans essence -Now we can go about our business here -and even develop photographs if we want to -- Hey, is something wrong? - No. Why? -I don't know. It's like you're removed -- No, I'm fine. - Really? -I don't know. You seem sorta distant -Let's just do it, all right? -Is it my imagination or are you just going through the motions? -Do you remember where I put my drawing pad? -While you two are doing that, I think I'm gonna do some drawing -- That's what I call removed. - Oh, you have my body -Yeah, but I want the whole thing -Well, I need grass -Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass -I'm a comedian. If I get a laugh from a person who's high -it doesn't count, cos they're always laughing -- Were you always funny? - What is this? An interview? -We're supposed to be making love -This guy is naturally funny. I think he can write for you -Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're really good -Let me explain how I work -I don't look like a funny guy like some of the guys that come out -You know you're gonna fall down -But material's gotta be sensational for me. I work with very… I'm kinda classy -Let me explain. For instance, I open with a song. Musical style like… -place looks wonderful from here -And you folks look wonderful from here -And seeing you there with a smile on your face -Makes me shout “This must be the place” -Then I open with some jokes. That's where I need you -“I just got back from Canada. They speak a lot of French up there.” -“The word to remember is Jeanne d”Arc. It means the light's out in the bathroom -“I met a big lumberjack…” -Jesus! This guys pathetic. -Look at him mincing around. -He thinks hes real cute. You wanna throw up. -If only I had the nerve to do my own jokes. -I dont know how much longer I can keep this smile frozen on my face. -Lm in the wrong business. I know it. -“But… chéri…” -“What will I do with this?” -“Oh, Marie! Sometime you make me so mad!” -They scream at that! Write me something like that. A French number. Can you do it? -Where am I? I have to reorient myself -This is the University of Wisconsin, right? Cos I'm always… tense… -I have a very bad history with colleges. I went to New York University -And I was thrown out of NYU in my freshman year -for cheating on my metaphysics final -I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me -My mother, an emotionally high-strung woman -locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles -I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis -I was suicidal, as a matter of fact, and would have killed myself -But I was in analysis with a strict Freudian -If you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss -Alvy, you were just great. I'm not kidding. It was… -- You were so funny. - College audiences are wonderful -And I'm starting to get more of the references too -Are you? Well, the o'clock show's completely different -I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. You'll meet Mother and Father -- They'll hate me immediately. - I don't think so -I don't think they're gonna hate you at all. It's Easter. We'll have a nice dinner -I think they're gonna really like you -It's a nice ham this year, Mom -Oh, yeah -Grammy always does such a good job -A great sauce! -It is. It's dynamite ham -We went over to the swap meet -Annie, Gram and I. We got some nice picture frames -We really had a good time -Ann tells us that you've been seeing a psychiatrist for years -Yes. I'm making excellent progress -pretty soon when I lie down on his couch, I won't have to wear the lobster bib -- Duane and I went out to the boat basin. - We were caulking holes all day -And Randolph Hunt was drunk. As usual -That Randolph Hunt. You remember Randy Hunt, Annie -- He was in the choir with you. - Oh, yes -I can't believe this family -Annie's mother is really beautiful -And they're talking swap meets and boat basins -And the old lady at the end of the table is a classic Jew-hater -They really look American. Very healthy. Like they never get sick or anything -Nothing like my family. The two are like oil and water -Let him drop dead. Who needs his business? -- His wife has diabetes. - Diabetes? -Is that an excuse? Diabetes? -The man is years old and doesn't have a substantial job -- Is that a reason to steal from his father? - What are you talking about? -Sure! Defend him! -pass the wurst there -Mo Moskowitz, he had a coronary -You don't say! -How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs Singer? -- We fast. - Fast? -No food. To atone for our sins -What sins? I don't understand -To tell you the truth, neither do we -Alvy -Hi, Duane. How's it goin'? -This is my room -Oh, yeah? It's terrific -Can I confess something? -I tell you this because, as an artist, I think you'll understand -Sometimes when I'm driving -on the road at night, I see two headlights coming toward me -Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly -head-on into the oncoming car -I can anticipate the explosion -The sound of shattering glass. The… -flames rising out of the flowing gasoline -Right. Well… -I have to go now, Duane, because I… -I'm due back on the planet Earth -- Don't let it be so long. - Look up Uncle Billy -- He is adorable. - Do you think so? -- You're taking them to the airport? - Duane can. I haven't finished my drink -Yes, Duane is. Just a second. I have to get… -- You followed me. - I didn't follow you -You followed me! -I was walking behind staring at you. That's not following -- What is your definition of following? - I was spying -- Do you realise how paranoid you are? - You've got your arms around a guy -That is the worst kind of paranoid -I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd pick you up after school -You wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember? -You're having an affair with your professor -That jerk that teaches that crap course - Contemporary Crisis in Western Man? -Existential Motifs in Russian Literature! -It's all mental masturbation -We finally get to a subject you know about -Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love -We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat -Neat. Are you years old? -- That's a Chippewa Falls expression. - Who cares?! -Next he'll find you keen and peachy. Then he's got his hand on your ass -You've always had hostility towards David -- You call your teacher David? - It's his name -It's a biblical name, right? What does he call you? Bathsheba? -Alvy, you're the one who never wanted to make a real commitment -You don“t think l”m smart enough. -We had that argument just last month. Or dont you remember that day? -- I'm home! - Oh, yeah? How did it go? -Oh, it was really weird, but she's a very nice woman -I didn't have to lie down on the couch. She had me sitting up -I told her about the family and my feelings towards men -and my relationship with my brother -She mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that? -I'm one of the few males who suffers from that. Go on. I'm interested -She said I was very guilty about my impulses towards marriage and children -Then I remembered, when I was a kid, I accidentally saw my parents making love -All this happened the first hour? -I've been going for years. I don't have… nothing like that -I told her my dream and then I cried -You cried? I have never once cried. That's fantastic -I whine. I sit and I whine -In my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding this pillow across my face and I can't breathe -- Sinatra? - Yeah. Strangling me -Sure. Because he's a singer and you're a singer -It's perfect. So you're trying to suffocate yourself -It's a perfect analytic kind of insight -She said your name was Alvy Singer -- What do you mean? Me? - Yeah, you -Because in the dream I break Sinatra's glasses -You never said Sinatra had glasses. What are you saying? That I'm suffocating you? -God, Alvy. I did this really terrible thing to him -Because then, when he sang, it was in this real high-pitched voice -What did the doctor say? -I should probably come five times a week -I don't think I mind analysis at all. The only question is, will it change my wife? -- Will it change your wife? - My life -- You said, “Will it change my wife?” - I said, “Will it change my life?” -- You said wife. - Life! I said life -She said, “Will it change my wife?” You heard that, so I'm not crazy -I told her I didn't think you'd ever take me seriously -because you don't think I'm smart enough -Why do you always bring that up? -Because I encourage you to take adult education courses? -You meet wonderful, interesting professors -Adult education is such junk. The professors are so phoney -I don't care what you say about David. He's a fine teacher -And why are you following me around? -- I was following you and David. - Let's call it quits -That's fine. That's great. I don't know what I did wrong -She cooled off to me. Is it something that I did? -It's never something you do. That's how people are. Love fades -Love fades? God! That's a depressing thought -I have to ask you a question. With your wife in bed -does she need some kind of artificial stimulation? Like marijuana? -We use a large vibrating egg -A large vibrating egg? -Well, I ask a psychopath, I get that kind of an answer. Jesus! -Here. You look like a very happy couple -- Are you? - Yeah -So how do you account for it? -I'm very shallow and empty -and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say -- And I'm exactly the same way. - I see. Well, that's very interesting -So you've managed to work out something, huh? -Well, thanks very much for talking to me -Even as a kid, I always went for the wrong women. I think thats my problem. -My mother took me to see Snow White. Everyone fell in love with Snow White. -I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen. -- We never have any fun any more. - How can you say that? -You're always leaning on me to improve myself -You must be getting your period -I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon character -Can't I be upset once in a while? -Max, forget about Annie. I know lots of women you can date -I don't wanna go out with any other women -I have got a girl for you. You'll love her. She's a reporter for Rolling Stone. -I think there are more people here to see the Maharishi than there were for Dylan -I covered the Dylan concert, which gave me chills -Especially when he sang, “She takes just like a woman.” -“And she makes love just like a woman. Yes, she does.” -“And she aches just like a woman.” -“But she breaks just like a little girl.” -After that, the most charismatic event I covered -was Mick's birthday at Madison Square Garden -- That's great. That's just great. - Did you catch Dylan? -Me? No, I couldn't make it. My raccoon had hepatitis -You have a raccoon? -A few -The only word for this is transplendid -It's transplendid -I can think of another word -He's God. This man is God. He's got millions of followers -who would crawl across the world just to touch the hem of his garment -Yeah? Must be a tremendous hem -I'm a Rosicrucian myself -I can't get with any religion that advertises in popular Mechanics. -Look. There's God coming out of the men's room -It's unbelievably transplendid! -I was at the Stones concert when they killed that guy -Were you? I was at an Alice Cooper thing -where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes -I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish -Oh, no. Don't be… Don't be silly. You know, I… -I'm starting to get some feeling back in my jaw now -Sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience -Oh. Thank you -I mean that as a compliment -I think… I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm -You know, to make up for empty areas in life -Who said that? -I don't know. I think it may have been Leopold and Loeb -Oh, hi! -Uh… no. What… -What's the matter? -You sound terrible -No. Sure, I… -What kind of emergency? -No. Well, stay there. I'll come over right now -Just stay there. I'll come right over -It's me. Open up. Are you OK? -What's the matter? Are you all right? -There's a spider in the bathroom -What? -There's a big, black spider in the bathroom -You got me here at three in the morning cos there's a spider in the bathroom? -You know how I am about insects. I can't sleep with a live thing crawling around -Kill it! What's wrong with you? Don't you have a can of Raid? -I told you a thousand times. You should always keep a lotta insect spray -You never know who's gonna crawl over -And a first-aid kit and a fire-extinguisher… -Give me a magazine, cos I'm a little tired -You make fun of me, but I'm prepared for anything -An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake -Hey, what is this? Did you go to a rock concert? -Oh, yeah? Really? -How'd you like it? -Was it… I mean, was it heavy? Did it achieve total heavy-ocity? -It was just great -Why don't you get the guy that took you to the rock concert -to come over and kill the spider? -I called you. You wanna help me or not, huh? -Since when do you read the National Review? -- What are you turning into? - I like to try to get all points of view -Then get William F Buckley to kill the spider -Alvy, you're a little hostile. You know that? -Not only that. You look thin and tired -It's three o'clock in the morning! You got me out of bed -I ran over here. I couldn't get a taxi cab. You said it was an emergency -I ran up the stairs. I was a lot more attractive when the evening began -Are you going with a right-wing rock-and-roll star? -Would you like a glass of chocolate milk? -Hey, what am I? Your son? I came over for… -I got the good chocolate -- Where's the spider? - It's in the bathroom -Don't squish it. And after it's dead, flush it down the toilet a couple of times -Darling, I've been killing spiders since I was , OK? -It's a very big spider. Lotta trouble. There's two of them -I didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider. You got a broom? -It's at your house. I think I left it there. I'm sorry. What are you doing? -Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick -- What is this? You got black soap? - It's for my complexion -What, are you joining a minstrel show? -Don't worry! -I did it. I killed them both. What are you sad about? -What did you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em? -- Oh, don't go. please. - What do you mean, don't… -What's the matter? Are you expecting termites? -What's the matter? -I don't know. I miss you -- Oh, Jesus. Really? - Oh, yeah -- Alvy? - What? -Was there somebody in your room when I called you? -- What do you mean? - Was there… I thought I heard a voice -I had the radio on. I'm sorry - it was the television set -I was watching… -Alvy, let's never break up again -I don't wanna be apart -I think we're both much too mature for something like that -Living together hasn't been so bad, has it? -No. For me, it's been terrific. You know? -Better than either one of my marriages -There's just something different about you. I don't know what it is, but it's great -You know, I think that if you let me, maybe I could help you have more fun -I mean, I know it's hard. It's… -Alvy, what about… what if we go away this weekend? -Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us would drive into Brooklyn? -We could show you the old neighbourhood. That'd be fun for you -Yeah, it would -Oh, my God! It's a great day! -Watch the road! You're gonna total the whole car! -I've never even been to Brooklyn -I can't wait to see the old neighbourhood. We can show her the schoolyard -I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max. The best. I was all-schoolyard -They threw him a football once and he tried to dribble it -I used to lose my glasses a lot -Oh, look! That's my old house. That's where I used to live -Holy cow! -You're lucky. Where I lived is now a pornographic equipment store -I have some very good memories there -Your mother and father fighting all the time? -Yeah, and always over the most ridiculous things -- You fired the cleaner? - She stole! -She's coloured! They have enough trouble! -- She went through my pocketbook! - They're persecuted enough! -- Who's persecuting? She stole! - So? We can afford it! -How can we afford it? On your pay? What if she steals more? -She's a coloured woman from Harlem! She has no money! -She's got a right to steal from us! Who is she gonna steal from if not us? -- You're both crazy! - They can't hear you, Max -Leo, I married a fool! -Hey, Max. What's that? -That's the welcome-home party, , for my cousin Herbie -Look. There. That's Joey Nichols. He was my father's friend -He was always bothering me when I was a kid -Joey Nichols. See? Nickels -See? Nickels -You see? Nickels. You can always remember my name -Just think of Joey Five Cents -That's me! Joey Five Cents! -What an asshole -The one who killed me the most was my mother's sister Tessie -I was always the sister with good common sense -Tessie was always the one with personality -When she was younger, they all wanted to marry Tessie -Tessie Moskowitz had the personality. She's the life of the ghetto, no doubt -She was once a great beauty -Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality -I was a great beauty -- How did this personality come about? - I was very charming -There were many men interested in you? -Oh, I was quite a lively dancer -That's very hard to believe -Well, I had a really good day. It was just a real fine way to spend my birthday -- Your birthday's not till tomorrow. - But it's real close -Yeah, but no presents till midnight -I wonder what this is -- Happy birthday. - What is this? -Is this a present? Are you kidding? -- Yeah. Why don't you try it on? - Yeah? I don't… -- This is more like a present for you. - It'll add ten years to our sex life -- Yeah. Forget it. - Here's a real present -Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway? -- Check it out. - Let me see -OK. Let's see -Oh, God! -You knew I wanted this. God! It's terrific -Just put on the watch and the… and that thing and everything -Oh, God. Oh -Seems like -Old times -Having you -To walk with -Seems like -Old times -Having you to walk with -And it's still a thrill -Just to have my arms around you -Still the thrill -That it was the day I found you -Seems like -Old times -Dinner dates and flowers -Old times -Staying up all hours -Making dreams come true -Doing things we used to do -Seems like old times -Here with -You -Thank you -You were sensational. I told you if you stuck to it you would be great -And… and you know… you were sensational -Well, Alvy, they were just a terrific audience -It makes it really easy for me because I can be… -Excuse me -Hi, I'm Tony Lacey -We just wanted to stop by and say that we really enjoyed your set -Oh, yeah, really? -I thought it was very musical and I liked it a lot -That's really nice. Thanks a lot -Are you recording? Do you… Are you with any label now? -Me? No -No. Not at all -Well, I'd like to talk to you about that sometime if you get a chance -- possibly working together. - Well, that's nice -Oh, listen. This is Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy? -No, but I know your work. I'm a big fan of yours -Thank you very much -This is Shaun and Bob and… Bob and petronia -Hi -We're going back to the pierre. We're staying at the pierre -We're gonna meet Jack and Anjelica and have a drink -If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you -We can just sit and talk. Nothing… -Not a big deal. It's just relaxed. It would just be very mellow -Remember we have that thing -What thing? -Don't you remember we discussed that thing that we were… We had a… -Oh, the thing! -Yeah… -Oh, well, if it's inconvenient, that's fine too. We'll do it another time -Maybe if you're on the coast, we'll get together and meet there -It was a wonderful set. I really enjoyed it -Nice to have met you. Good night -Bye -What's the matter? You wanted to go to that party? -I don't know. I thought it might be kinda fun -It would be nice to meet some new people -I don't think I could take a mellow evening. I don't respond well to mellow -I have a tendency to… If I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot -It's not good for my… -So you don't wanna go to the party. So what do you wanna do? -That was the last day I remember really having a good time -- We never have any laughs any more. - I've been moody and dissatisfied -- How often do you sleep together? - Do you have sex often? -- Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week. - Constantly. I'd say three times a week -- The other night Alvy wanted to have sex. - She would not sleep with me -Then… I don't know… Six months ago I would have done it just to please him -I tried everything, you know. I put on soft music and my red light bulb -But the thing is, since our discussions here -I feel I have a right to my own feelings -I think you would have been happy because I asserted myself -I'm paying for her analysis. And she's making progress and I'm getting screwed -I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it -So I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him -If I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings -She's making progress and I'm not. Her progress is killing my progress -Sometimes I think I should just live with a woman -I don't believe it! You mean to tell me you guys have never snorted coke? -Well, I always wanted to try. But Alvy, he's very down on it -Don't put it on me. I don't wanna put a wad of white powder in my nose -There's the nasal membrane -- You never wanna try anything new, Alvy. - How can you say that? -I said that you, I and that girl from your acting class should have a threesome -- Well, that's sick! - I know it's sick, but it's new -You didn't say it couldn't be sick -Come on, Alvy -Do your body a favour. Try it -I'm sure it's a lot of fun, cos the Incas did it -And they were a million laughs -Come on. For your own experience. You wanna write -It's great stuff. A friend of mine just brought it in from California -Oh, you know, we're going to California next week -It's incredible. I'm thrilled, as you know -On my agent's advice, I sold out and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV -No. That's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award on television -You act like you're violating a moral issue -We have to leave New York during Christmas week, which kills me -Listen, while you're in California, could you possibly score some coke for me? -Oh, sure. I'd be glad to. I'll just put it in a hollow heel that I have on my boot -How much is this stuff, incidentally? -It's about $, an ounce -Really? And what is the kick of it? Cos I never… -I've never been so relaxed as I have been since I moved here, Max -I want you to see my house. I live next to Hugh Hefner. He lets me use the Jacuzzi -And the women are like the women in playboy magazine -only they can move their arms and legs -I can't get over it - this is really Beverly Hills -The architecture's so consistent -French next to Spanish next to Tudor next to Japanese -God! It's so clean out here -They don't throw their garbage out. They make it into TV shows -Give us a break, Max. It's Christmas -Can you believe this is Christmas? -It was snowing and really grey in New York, naturally -Santa Claus'll have sunstroke -Max, there's no crime. There's no mugging -There's no economic crime -But there's ritual religious-cult murders. There's wheat-germ killers out here -While you're out here, I want you to see some of my TV show -And we're invited to a big Christmas party -All right now, Charlie, give me a good laugh here -… limousine to the track break down? -A little bigger -Max, you realise how immoral this all is? -- Max, I got a hit series. - I know. But you're adding fake laughs -… home so early. -Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie -We do this show live in front of an audience -And nobody laughs, cos the jokes aren't funny -That's why this machine is dynamite -Honey, you“d better lie down. You”ve been in the sun too long. -Now give me a medium-sized chuckle here -And then a big hand -Is there booing on that? -Oh, Max -I don't feel well -- What's the matter? - I don't know. I just got… very dizzy -- I feel dizzy, Max. - Well, sit down -Oh, Jesus! -- Are you all right? - I don't know -- You wanna lie down? - No. My stomach felt queasy all morning -- How about a ginger ale? - Oh… Max, no -Maybe I'd better lie down -Why don't you try to get a little of this down? It's just plain chicken -Oh, no. I can't eat this -I'm nauseous -If you can just give me something to get me through the next two hours -I have to go out to Burbank and give out an award on a TV show -There's nothing wrong with you, actually, so far as I can tell -You have no fever. No symptoms of anything serious -- You haven't eaten pork or shellfish. - Excuse me. I'm sorry, doctor -Alvy, that was the show. They said everything is fine -They found a replacement so they're going to tape without you -Jesus! Now I don't get to do the TV show? -- I know. Listen, doctor. - I was just saying, I can't find anything -- Nothing at all? - No. I could get a lab man up here -Can I have the salt, please? -perhaps it would be even better if we took him to hospital for a day or two -Otherwise there's no real way to tell what's going on -This is not bad, actually -Don't tell me we have to walk from the car to the house -My feet haven't touched pavement since I reached Los Angeles -I'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy -I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie -All the good meetings are taken -Right now it's only a notion. But I think I can get money -to make it into a concept, and then turn it into an idea -Like this house, Max? -I even brought a map to get us to the bathroom -You should have told me it was Tony Lacey's party -What difference does that make? -- I think he has a thing for Annie. - No. Unfortunately, Max -- he goes with that girl over there. - Where? -The one with the VpL -Visible panty Line -- Max, she is gorgeous. - Yeah, she's a ten, Max -- Great for you, cos you're used to twos. - There are no twos, Max -The kind with shopping bags in Central park with surgical masks on, muttering -How do you like this couple? They just came back from Masters and Johnson -Yeah. Intensive care ward -My God. Hey, Max, I think she's giving me the eye -If she comes over, my brain'll turn into guacamole -- Hi. - You're Alvy Singer, right? -- Didn't we meet at EST? - No, I was never to EST -- Then how can you criticise it? - Oh, he didn't say anything -I came out to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis -- He's my food taster. Have you two met? - How you doing? -- You taste to see if the food's poisoned? - Yeah. He's crazy -You guys are wearing white. It must be in the stars. Uri Geller must be here -We're gonna operate together -We just need about six weeks. In six weeks we could cut the whole album -I don't know. This is strange to me -You can come and stay here. There's a whole wing you can have -- Yeah? Stay here? - Really. Why are you smiling? -I don't know -Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good meeting -This is a great house. Really. Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts -You know who the original owners were? Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond -- Then you know who lived here? - Trigger -Charlie Chaplin. Right before his un-American thing -That's great -- But you guys are still New Yorkers. - Yeah, I love it there -I used to live there. I used to live there for years, but… It's so dirty now -I'm into garbage. It's my thing -This is a really nice screening room, Tony -There's another thing about New York -If you wanna see a movie, you have to stand in line. It could be freezing -We saw Grand Illusion here last night -Hey, that's a great film if you're high -Come and see our bedroom. We did a fantastic thing -No, thanks, man. I'm cool -It's wonderful. They just eat and watch movies all day -And gradually you get old and die -It's important to make an effort once in a while -Do you think his girlfriend's beautiful? -A tad on the androgynous side, but dynamite -Yeah. I forgot my mantra -That was fun. -I don“t think California”s bad at all. -Its a drag coming home. -A lot of beautiful women. -It was fun to flirt. -I have to face facts. -I adore Alvy, but our relationship doesnt seem to work any more. -Lll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight. -What do I need this? -If only I had the nerve to break up. But it would really hurt him. -If only I didnt feel guilty asking Annie to move out. -Itd probably wreck her. But I should be honest. -Alvy, let's face it. You know… -I don't think our relationship is working -I know. A relationship, I think, is like a shark -It has to constantly move forward, or it dies -And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark -Whose Catcher in the Rye is this? -If it has my name on it, then I guess it's mine -It sure has… You wrote your name in all my books -cos you knew this day was gonna come -Alvy, you wanted to break up just as much as I do -No question. I think we're doing the mature thing, without any doubt -All the books on death and dying are yours, and all the poetry books are mine -Denial of Death. This is the first book that I got you. Remember that day? -Jeez, I feel like there's a great weight off my back. Hm -Oh. Thanks, Annie -Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I think it's really important for us -to explore new relationships and stuff like that -There's no question about that. Cos we've given this a more than fair shot -My analyst thinks this move is key for me -And, you know, I trust her. Because my analyst recommended her -Why should I put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway? -And you know what the beauty part is? -- We can always get back together again. - Exactly -I don't think many couples could handle this. Just break up and remain friends -Hey, this one's mine, this button. I guess these are all yours -Impeach Eisenhower. Impeach Nixon -Impeach Lyndon Johnson. Impeach Ronald Reagan -I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake -She's living in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey -Then the hell with her. If she likes that lifestyle, let her live there -- He's a jerk, for one thing. - He graduated Harvard -He may have… Listen, Harvard makes mistakes too. Kissinger taught there -Don't tell me you're jealous -Yeah. Jealous? A little bit. Like Medea -Can I show you something, lady? I have here… I found this in the apartment -Black soap. She used to wash her face times a day with black soap -Don't ask me why -Why don't you go out with other women? -Well, I tried. But it's… you know, it's very depressing -This always happens to me. Quick! Get a broom! -What are you making such a big deal about? They're only lobsters -You're a grown man. You know how to pick up a lobster -- I'm not myself since I stopped smoking. - When did you quit? - years ago -What do you mean? -Mean? -You stopped smoking years ago. Is that what you said? -I don't understand -Are you joking or what? -Central park's turning green -Yeah. I saw that lunatic that we used to see -with the pinwheel hat, you know, and the roller skates -Listen, I… I want you to come back here -Well… Then I'm gonna come out there and get you -What do you mean, where am I? Where do you think I am? -I'm at the Los Angeles airport. I flew in -I… Well, I flew in to see you -Hey, listen. Can we not debate this on the telephone? -Because I feel that I got a temperature -And I'm getting my chronic Los Angeles nausea already. I don't feel so good -Wherever you wanna meet. I don“t care. L”ll drive in. I rented a car. -Lm driving. What do you… -What, is that such a miracle? Lm driving myself. -I'm gonna have the alfalfa sprouts and… -a plate of mashed yeast -You look very pretty -Oh, no. I just lost a little weight, that's all -Well… you look nice -I've been thinking about it, and I think that we should get married -Oh, Alvy. Come on -Why? You wanna live out here? -It's like living in Munchkin Land -What do you mean? It's perfectly fine out here -I mean, Tony's very nice -And… well, I meet people and I go to parties and we play tennis -I mean, that's a very big step for me, you know -I mean, I'm able to enjoy people more -So… you're not gonna come back to New York? -What's so great about New York? It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice. -You didn't read Death in Venice till I bought it for you -That's right. You only gave me books with the word “death” in the title -Cos it's an important issue -Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life -You're like New York City. You're just this person -You're like this island unto yourself -I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is -If one guy is starving someplace, that's… it puts a crimp in my evening -So you wanna get married or what? -No. We're friends -I wanna remain friends -OK -Check, please! -You're mad, aren't you? -Yes, of course I'm mad. Because you love me. I know that -Alvy,

去年3月5号,我接触了个新名词:门萨的娼妓.今年的3月5,有人竟很严肃地问了一个在我看来很有意思也极赋创意的问题:门萨是谁?你男朋友么?于是我想应该是时候写个名词解释了.

门萨MENSA--世界顶级智商俱乐部 1946年成立于英国牛津 创始人是一个叫贝里尔的律师和一个叫韦尔的科学家门萨的宗旨是为聪明者建立一个社团 通过充满挑战性的社团活动而使参加者的高智商获得承认肯定和不断提高并分享彼此的成功

在woody的文集<门萨的娼妓>里面,门萨俱乐部便摇身一变,成为了一家与众不同的妓院.提供的服务是专门为与妻子无法交流的男性提供精神智力体验。其服务账单如下:

花上50元，可以进行“不深入的陈述”；
花100元，一个女孩可以把她的巴托克唱片借给你听，一起进餐，然后让你看她来一次焦虑发作；
花150元，你可以跟一对孪生姐妹一块听调频广播；
花300元，则可以得到全套服务——一个浅色黑皮肤的女孩会在现代艺术博物馆里假装邂逅你,让你看她的硕士论文,让你和她在伊琳餐厅就弗洛伊德关于女人的概念尖声争吵,然后她会按照你选择的方式假装自杀.

先看看应召女郎与嫖客的对话

“亲爱的，你想聊什么？”
　　　　 “我想谈梅尔维尔。”
　　　　 “《大白鲸》还是短一点的长篇？”
　　　　 “有什么不同呢？”
　　　　 “也就是价钱。聊象征主义要另加钱。”
　　　　 “得出多少？”
　　　　 “50美元，聊《大白鲸》可能得100美元。你想进行比较讨论，把梅尔维尔跟霍桑进行比较吗？100块可以搞定。”


说完文集,最好我们还是回到woody allen的电影,以免落得舍本逐末的恶名.是我在拿到套盒后最为期待的一部woody allen的电影.蔡康永曾自述,在他应该看<花花公子>的年纪,却先看到了woodyallen的,这把当时的他吓了一跳.我在应该看的时候,却先选择了,把当时的我也是乐得够戗.但我想,大笑对于我的意义却并不只是用来减肥,美容,舒展肌肉,呼出肺气的运动而已.

这部电影是一幅70年代纽约知识阶层精神面貌的缩影,良好的教育,生动的生活,幼稚的情感.当然,外表的面貌也作为文化背景可以在影片中观赏到:嗑药,喇叭裤,茶色眼镜(在国内俗称蛤蟆镜）,敞篷汽车,嬉皮士的味道.在woody allen犀利的眼中,知识,女性,知识女性,还有性都是调侃的作料,而调侃的对象则是不惜以大价钱如饥似渴地想和异性来点智力交流的可怜的小辈.他们得知别人的不幸时心里会难受到辗转反侧无法入睡.但是他们的女人却会无奈地说:"我错过了看心理医生的时间,而你只考虑到这对于你的影响,你太以自己为中心了."

woody allen总拿性开玩笑,毕竟性是人间大事,初恋,初温,初夜...一串头文字c之后,总免不了这thing.但是性也会遭遇无聊,无奈,无助...等头文字w.最后以人不能无耻到这个地步为总结陈词.我自然也可以合理杜撰或解释为什么门萨需要智力娼妓.

像annnie hall这样的女孩,她可能不漂亮,但是帅气.在陌生男人面前遭遇紧张时会以la-di-da代替;不聪明,但是会学习.她听从艾维.辛格的建议,去上成人夜校,甚至阅读死亡的书籍;不靠谱,但是善解人意.她会对心理医生说,不服从他觉得自己愧对于他，言听计从却又违背自己的意志.聪明的男人总在希冀找到一个女人,不是听他的话,而是要听得懂他的话.那强烈的摆脱孤独的渴望变异成了偏执而不公平的控制欲和限制欲,annnie hall对他的崇拜也演变成了疲倦和疏离...两个如此合拍的人,也只好分道扬镳,各奔前程.男人的孤独感会很快重新袭来,这欲望会轻松超越因无法操控而产生的厌倦,当意识到annnie的宝贵时,电影却剩不了几祯画面.

像艾维.辛格这样的男人.同生理周期下的女人一样,一肚子牢骚,喋喋不休.却也同"文艺青年"一样愤世嫉俗,看东西用白眼多过黑眼.有人说女人比男人更易于沉醉在一种无聊的生命形式之中.

世间上任何一个可以成为安妮.霍尔的女孩,任何一个门萨的娼妓.都要在童话与现实之间抉择,在沮丧与幸福之间徘徊,在艺术家与蠢材之间忖度,在铜臭与酸腐之间观望,在头痛与经痛之间循环...你要考虑清楚,即使你的美貌倾人万千,你的聪慧超过常人,甚至你的幽默和搞笑才能都集了万千的宠爱,你还是需要进入门萨得到这张认可的王牌.还是那么需要艾维.辛格的控制和高高在上的姿态.我在想,如果最后annnnie答应了维辛的求婚,同他回到了纽约,情景依旧还会是老样子,不可调和的争吵,无法摆脱的控制,不可逾越的原则...痛苦,我把它定义为门萨的爱情.在东尼的膜拜中,annnie的幸福感会长久么?是否还会回到一个平淡而落寞的女人身份.想想一个学术朋克三更半夜甩掉床上艳遇的女人跑到你家帮你收拾厕所里的蜘蛛优越感觉已然不再又是怎样的难以释怀.与annie hall争吵后的维辛街采一样的在街上见人便问,问到一对看似恩爱的情侣，问他们维持住感情的原因.女人说:"我是一个没什么想法的人."男人说:"我也是..."原来久久归一,和谐的同义词竟然是简单和反智.


在电影院门口.安妮不可思议的问:"就因为错过了片头的字幕?还是瑞典文?"艾维.辛格就是个这样的人.我在想woody在做人物性格设计时是否安排他是处女座.对完整性吹毛求疵如此苛刻.怪不得要看上十五年的心理医生,戒上十六年的茶.


电影中很多场面极有有趣.有时维辛会突然变成Woody Allen,从情景中跳出来，面对镜头跟观众数落不满和抱怨,有时则会把记忆中的场景拽出来,继续擦肩,或者交谈. "我绝不加入有象我这样会员的俱乐部",十足的讽刺和调侃,就说了不下3遍."现在是1975年，我要告诉你，完美这个词在这个世纪初就已经挂掉了",极为尖锐的批判下依旧一张毫不在乎的脸."这里从没有垃圾,他们只有在电视里生产垃圾."讽刺小屏幕业的弱智,这是电影界人士的通病.但是哪个界没有病啊,文艺界更是百病缠身.高小松曾说,幸福就是娶一个如花似玉的知识女性.可惜的是高小松和知识女性离婚了,他当然不会就此说:幸福就是和一个如花似玉的知识女性离婚.王朔最近也开始言必"我们家徐静蕾"了.门萨对智力娼妓的需求永远胜过生理.男人对自己面子的呵护永远多过女人对自己的脸.

woody爱在电影里穿插笑话给我们:"一个家伙去看医生,说医生哎,我哥哥疯了,他以为自己是只鸡.医生说,那你干吗不把他带来?那人说,可是,我想要那只蛋."

人生是无厘头的.We keep going through,because most of us need the egg.就像<门萨的娼妓>结尾,伍迪艾伦意味深长的说:"这次,我认识了一个学体育的女硕士,让我感觉不错..."

伍迪·艾伦真能说呀，我听都听得口干舌燥。许多桥段反复看过几遍。至少有十次，伍迪·艾伦惹得我惊呼我操，捶床大笑。边看边记录其中的台词，一部90分钟的电影我看完花去至少200分钟。
记录的一些台词：

—我没来例假。每次我稍微有点不对劲，你就说我来例假了！
—你还可以再喊得响一点，我想那边还有一位没听见。

—我真希望现在手里有一只装满了马粪的大袜套。

—你刚才说“我们的性生活有问题”是什么意思？对于一个在布鲁克林长大的人来说，我还是比较正常的。
—非常抱歉，是我的性生活有问题，行了吧？我的性生活有问题！
—啊咳！我没读过那个，那是亨利·詹姆斯的小说，对吗？是《螺丝在旋紧》的续篇？《我的性生活》？

—我正在做我的学位论文。
—论题是什么？
—“二十世纪文学的政治任务”。
—这么说你属于纽约犹太人、左翼自由派知识分子、住在中央公园西街、上布兰德斯大学、参加社会主义夏令营、经常罢工、父亲喜欢本·肖恩的画，对吗？……如果你觉得我像个十足的白痴，你尽可以打断我。

—有意思的是，我曾和艾森豪威尔班子里的一位女士约会过，时间不长。在我看来这真是很滑稽，因为我想要对她做的事，正是艾森豪威尔在过去八年里一直对这个国家做的。

—林登·约翰逊。
—林登·约翰逊？林登·约翰逊是个政客！你知道那些家伙的道德观，他们比儿童骚扰犯还要低一个档次。
—那么每一个人都参与了阴谋？联邦调查局、中央情报局、约翰·埃德加·胡佛，还有石油公司、五角大楼，再加白宫卫生间里的服务生？
—我看卫生间里的服务生可以排除掉。

—我真受够了整晚和那些干“痢疾”活的人进行假惺惺的探讨。
—干“评论”活的人。
—哦，是吗？我怎么听说“评论”和“异议”已经合并成了“痢疾”？

—两分钟前，尼克斯队还领先14分，可现在他们只领先2分了。
—艾尔维，一帮子脑垂体变异的怪胎忙活着将一只圆球塞进一个铁圈子里究竟有什么吸引人的呢？
—吸引人的地方在于这是体力活。而有关智力的往往是，知识分子看起来很才华横溢，实际上却狗屁不通。所以，身体从不口是心非。

—（求欢未遂）为什么你总是把我的动物本能降格到心理分析的范畴？

—你网球打得很棒，但是你的车开得是我这辈子见到过的最糟的。在任何地方都是最糟的，欧洲，英国，任何地方，亚洲。不过我喜欢你的穿着。

—这条领带是格莱美·霍尔给我的礼物。
—谁？格莱美？谁是格莱美·霍尔？
—是我的格莱美奶奶。
—怎么回事？难道你是在诺曼·罗克威尔的画中长大的吗？你的格莱美奶奶？

—希尔薇娅·普拉斯，很有个性的女诗人，她的自杀悲剧在一些大学女生们看来居然很浪漫。
—她的有些诗看上去很优雅。
—优雅？我不得不提醒你现在是1975年。你知道，优雅在本世纪初就已经消亡了。

—（内心独白）天哪，我的话听上去像是调频广播。放松点！

—你星期五晚上有事吗？
—我？（惊喜）哦，没有！
—噢，对不起，等等，我有事！星期六晚上呢？
—没有，没有。

—你知道吗？我甚至没上过这方面的课。
—听着，听着，吻我一下。
—真的吗？
—为什么不？因为我们会呆到很晚才回家，是吗？我们还没有接过吻，所有总有些不自在，我会一直在想该什么时候吻你之类。所以我们现在吻一下，就可以克服紧张，然后我们就可以去吃饭了，行吗？（接吻）
—好了，现在我们可以去消化食物了。

—（做爱后）就像巴尔扎克说的：“这是一部新的小说。”
—很棒是吧？
—很棒？是的，岂止很棒，这简直是我获得的不发出笑声的最大乐趣了。

—（吸大麻）吸一口？
—不，我不用任何致幻药。因为我以前吸过一次，大概五年前在一次聚会上。
—结果呢？
—结果是我试图把我的裤子从头上脱下来，卡在我的一只耳朵上了。

—我的公寓很小。
—我知道它很小。
—而且水管坏了，还有很多虫子。
—水管坏了，很多虫子，听起来好像是坏事似的。你知道虫子是……昆虫学是一门正在快速发展的学科。
—你不愿意我和你住在一起？
—我不愿意你和我住在一起？谁这样想的？
—我。
—事实上是你这样想的，但是，我也立刻同意了。

—你不会想让我们看起来像是结婚了吧？
—有什么区别吗？
—你有你的住处，那么就是有区别。因为它在那儿，尽管我们可以不去住，可以不去管它，但是它就像一只在水面上漂着的救生筏，有了它，我们就知道我们没有结婚。

—那混蛋教《西方男人的当代危机》，这都是什么垃圾课程啊，简直令人难以置信！
—是《俄国文学中的存在主义主题》好不好？你说的真靠谱啊！
—有什么区别吗？反正都是一些精神上的自渎。
—噢，是啊，我们终于聊到你有所了解的题目了！
—咳，别贬低自渎！那是和我爱的人做爱。

—你知道，在我很小的时候，我就总是找错女人，我想我的问题就出在这里。当我妈妈带我去看《白雪公主》的时候，人人都爱上了白雪公主，而我却对刻毒的皇后一见倾心。

—快看！上帝从男洗手间出来了。

—蜘蛛在哪儿？在卫生间？
—在卫生间。……咳，别拍得稀烂。打死以后，用水冲进马桶，多冲两次。
—亲爱的，我从三十岁起就开始杀蜘蛛了，放心了吗？

—我想让你看看我的房子，我住在休·海弗纳的隔壁，麦克斯，他允许我用他的水流按摩浴缸。还有女人，麦克斯，她们都和《花花公子》里的女郎一样，所不同的是她们的手脚都会动。
—我无法相信这真的是贝弗莉山庄。天哪，这儿真干净。
—那是因为这里的人不扔垃圾，他们把垃圾都扔进电视节目里去了。

—现在它只是一个想法，我想我可以弄到钱把它变成一个概念，然后再把它转变成一种思想。

—哪一个？
—那个有“见裤线”的。
—“见裤线”？
—看得见内裤的线。麦克斯，她太漂亮了。
—是呀，她得10分，对你来说太重要了，因为你老是找只有2分的，不是吗？
—我没找过只有2分的，麦克斯。
—你习惯于找那种手里拎着购物袋、脸上戴着医生用的大口罩、嘴里嘟嘟囔囔地走过中央公园的姑娘。
—瞧，这一对怎么样？
—我想她正朝我这边看。
—要是她过来的话，麦克斯，我的脑袋瓜会变成鳄梨酱的。
—我来应付……嗨！

—艾尔维，让我们面对现实吧。你知道，我不认为我们的关系会有出路。
—我知道，这种关系我认为就像一条鲨鱼，它必须不停地往前游，否则就会死掉。我认为在我们手里的，是一条已经死掉了的鲨鱼。

—这本《麦田里的守望者》是谁的？
—如果有我的名字在上面，那么我猜就是我的。
—当然有，你在我所有的书上都写上了你的名字，因为你料到了这一天迟早会来。
—听着，所有有关死亡的书都是你的，所有有关诗歌的书都是我的。
—这本《拒绝死亡》你还记得吗？这是我给你买的第一本书。
—噢，上帝，是的。天哪，我感到我背后的负担减轻了很多。
—多谢了，亲爱的。

—咳，这个是我的，这颗徽章，还记得吗？……我想，这些都是你的，“弹劾艾森豪威尔”“弹劾尼克松”“弹劾林登·约翰逊”“弹劾罗纳德·里根”……

—再一次见到安妮，我真的很高兴。我意识到她是一个多么好的人，能认识她是一件多么有趣的事。我想起了那个老笑话，你知道，有个家伙去看精神病医生，他说：“大夫，我兄弟疯了，他以为他自己是一只鸡。”医生说：“那你怎么不把他带来？”那家伙说：“我是想带他来的，可是我需要鸡蛋呀。”你看，我想这就是现在我对男女之间关系的感觉，你知道，它是完全非理性的、疯狂的，甚至荒谬的，但是我想我们还一直要经历这一切，因为我们大多数人都需要鸡蛋。

第一次看《安妮•霍尔》是在...传播学理论课上，然后...看到不出十分钟我就去找周公爷爷下棋了。最近怀着对这位传播学老师的无比愧疚，我重新找出这部片子来看。看过之后，开始责怪自己当年的浅薄...
纵观伍迪•艾伦的片子，《安妮•霍尔》是他犬儒气息最重的一部，也是自传性最强的一部。他把自己和黛安•基尔的这段恋情大胆地摆在舞台上，剖开自己，审视男女关系。
也许真的是男人来自火星，女人来自水星。艾维和安妮也许从来都没有在同一个平台上对话，但是他们是真切地相爱过。
艾维就是伍迪。伍迪就是艾维。犹太人，身材瘦小，一脸苦相，带着深度近视黑边眼镜，碎碎念的吐槽帝，带着知识分子的穷酸气，擅长说单口相声，迫害妄想症侯群，喜欢高谈阔论“死亡”和“性”，有过两次失败的婚姻过着悠然自得的单身生活。
安妮就是黛安。黛安的真实名字就是黛安•霍尔，昵称安妮。她带着一种亲切而洒脱的美，夹杂一种嬉皮士的不羁和无伤大雅的滑稽。影片中，安妮想成为一名歌手，而且，她成功了。

《安妮•霍尔》的故事根植伍迪•艾伦又爱又恨的纽约。纽约是不可非议的世界级大都会。东北部的钢铁工业让纽约上空总是雾气蒙蒙。高楼林立的布鲁克林，世界上最最富有的人和最贫穷的人同时存在于这个空间里。各种肤色的人只要在这个城市带上三个月就可以称自己是New Yorker。和南部加州的阳光明媚不同，纽约就是一副苦大仇深、高深莫测的样子。看看六十年代摇滚乐的风格就知道了：东北部的曲风政治性、严肃性和批判性与南部的欢乐、明朗存在明显的差异。还有贾斯汀•丁布莱克主演的《炮友》——撇开演技不谈——我觉得里面探讨的南北差异依旧很有趣。纽约人成熟、霸道、淡定，南方人真诚、开朗、情绪化。安妮觉得到南部去也没什么不可以，但艾维不行，艾维离不开纽约。
艾维逼安妮去上成人大学，读他喜欢的关于死亡主题的书籍。他犬儒地以为：爱情建立在理性的互通和肉欲的相偕上。殊不知，爱情，有的时候就是那么荒谬而无逻辑。只要，接受它，就足够了。

关于传播学有关的一点是：麦克卢汉出来打了个酱油~各位看官大可不必管麦克卢汉是谁（虽然这个老头被誉为信息社会的“先知”，他提出的很多关于传媒界的看法十分极端而前卫，甚至像外星人的观点，但不能不说“地球村”这个观点，他是始作俑者），但这段情节您一定看得懂：艾维和安妮在排队进场看电影，后面一位老兄一直喋喋不休地说着自己关于电影、导演和传媒的看法。艾维和他发生口角，老兄愤愤地自称自己是某大学的传播学教授，并引用麦克卢汉的观点来反驳艾维。这是，艾维拉出站在角落里的麦克卢汉。麦克卢汉说，你说的根本不是我的观点。我根本没有这样说。你还是教授呢，哼。
至此，我想到了罗兰•巴特。沟通其实就建立在编码和解码上。我们抛出一个词、一句话，写了一篇文章、一本书，别人解读我们的话。解读，在某种程度上，即误读，是掺杂了个人经验和知识结构的再诠释。也许，与原作者的意涵已经相去甚远。但是，不是每次原作者都能跳出来纠正那些和他本意不相符的观点。所以，作者已死。
男女之间的沟通，也许也正是如此。
作为生理和心理结构如此不同的两个物种，他们之间的编码和解码总是频频出错。他们的理性从来没有真正对等过，但是，在感性层面，他们可以遵从内心的欲望相亲相爱。
不觉得，这很神奇么~


安妮最终离开了艾维。伍迪和黛安的恋情也告一段落。爱情有自己生老病死的轨迹。诚然睿智如伍迪，也只能耸耸肩，看着曾经的爱恋走过马路，消失在茫茫人海中。

我很喜欢伍迪.艾伦的电影风格和拍摄技巧，但我不太喜欢他所表达的东西。

《安妮.霍尔》里的艾维.辛格，年龄偏大，个子矮小，头发稀少，控制欲强，神神叨叨，满嘴弗洛伊德，愤世嫉俗，自命清高，估计性能力也不咋地。我不禁纳闷，生活中会有女人喜欢这样的男人吗？女人们应该对这样的男人避而远之才对啊。我看很多人说因为他是个喜剧演员，比较幽默。但我在影片中看到的是他只能在台上讲着事先写好的无聊段子，逗人一笑罢了，在生活中他却是个不折不扣的无聊的、乏味的、令人讨厌的人。一个神经质、娘们唧唧、自我为中心、只盯着生活的阴暗面、整天抱怨却并不能解决哪怕一点实际问题（害怕蜘蛛和龙虾、连车都不会开）的废物而已。

但伍迪.艾伦是编剧和导演，他怎么意淫都行。于是我们在影片中看到，艾维只是因为在后台不停抱怨自己在另一个单口相声演员之后登场，就能把到一个在我看来十分漂亮的妹子，难道仅仅是因为这个妹子的论文（具体啥题目我忘了）是关于文学和政治之类的狗屁，而艾维.辛格像机关枪一样的嘴里喷出来的都是普通人听也听不懂的文艺理论，于是恰好把妹子听的崇拜不已？而仅仅是因为他与安妮在街边因为一个叫大卫的教授吵了一架，他的朋友给他介绍了另外一个姑娘（谢莉.杜瓦尔演的那个，这妞居然也是闪灵的女主角），叫啥我也忘了，当天晚上就把人家给上了。还有，仅仅是因为安妮跟艾维一起打了场网球，安妮就喜欢上了这个小老头一样的男人，跟他的对话还那么的尴尬。难道这个艾维.辛格是个情圣？但我在影片中丝毫没有感觉到他有什么作为情圣的特质啊。

好吧，姑且就算他博学，妹子们也觉得他很有趣，一开始崇拜他，然后爱上他，就像安妮那样。但是从影片的走向看，艾维和安妮的最后分手也是注定的。

我喜欢安妮，她是一个正常的女孩，单纯、乐观、大方、率真、对生活充满热情，网球打得不错，车也开地很猛，无非读书不多，但可能这正是她具备上述优点的原因。

但是艾维嫌弃人家跟他无法神交，于是强迫人家去上成人大学，带人家去看什么纳粹屠杀犹太人的电影（就因为他自己是犹太人），还让人家去读那些关于死亡的狗屁书籍，好让人家能更理解他的精神世界，让他自己不再那么孤独。在我看来，艾维浑身上下都是书读多了的那些“知识分子”身上的臭毛病：迂腐、软弱、情商低、事儿又多、自己啥也干不好还总觉得这也不对，那也不对，谁也瞧不起。好吧，安妮因崇拜他而爱上他（虽然我觉得这事儿并不合逻辑），于是听了他的话，去读了成人大学，可他又嫌弃人家跟教授走得近，于是跟人家吵了一架。吵完之后他看到路边有一对恩爱情侣，于是上前问人家如何这般甜蜜，人家说：可能因为我们比较浅薄吧，我们没什么想法。哈哈，在我看来这个回答真是把艾维.辛格的脸打得啪啪响。一个整天胡乱思考爱情，觉得自己很博学、很有深度的“中产知识分子”，结果却处理不好自己的感情生活，而不去思考这些的人，却能恩爱甜蜜，多讽刺啊？

安妮想跟他住在一起，他不愿意，觉得自己的私人空间受到了打扰；安妮有唱歌梦，而且也得到了唱片公司老板的赏识，艾维却出于私心，不让安妮去参加人家的聚会（即使他之前鼓励过安妮，我认为那也是他为了得到安妮的权宜之计）；安妮跟他一起去西海岸，喜欢上了那里，他又因为自己不想离开纽约，反对人家追求自己的梦。但是最后安妮终究有了自己的意识，她终于明白，自己跟艾维不是一路人，两个人是不可能在一起的，所以她勇敢地离开了他去追求自己更有意义的生活。艾维后悔了，他又去西海岸找安妮，想挽回安妮并且要安妮同意跟他结婚，安妮拒绝了。说实话，我看的时候好害怕安妮会答应，但安妮果断拒绝并开车离开了，我松了一口气。

安妮作出了对的选择。即使她以后事业不一定成功，即使她又回到纽约，我也认为她以后的生活比跟艾维.辛格在一起更有意义。

其实，艾维.辛格并不理解什么是爱。

影片的开始和最后，他的独白和他讲的那几个笑话（虽然并不好笑），都把责任归咎给了生活和爱情本身，说什么爱情本来就是这样复杂，我们每个人都知道爱情复杂无常，但还是需要爱情。我觉得这是不公平的。

艾维.辛格自私、迂腐、神经质、胆小懦弱、自命不凡、讨厌新事物，为自己犹太人的身份感到自卑，他时时刻刻需要控制自己的女伴，否则就会感到不安。他跟安妮在河边大桥下散步时，安妮说爱他，他也说爱人家，甚至说：“爱这个字不足以表达我对你的感情”。但实际上他是怎么做的，大家都有目共睹。他以自我为中心，讨厌跟自己意见不同的人，讨厌那些比自己学识高的人，也讨厌那些没有学识的人，他甚至讨厌他自己。

生活和爱情并没有错，它们没有义务为某个人的愚蠢而背锅。世界上生活幸福、爱情和谐的人有很多。像艾维.辛格这样的人，根本没有资格把自己处理不好生活和爱情的责任甩到生活和爱情身上。他这样的怪人，生活和爱情怎么会好呢？他并不应该整天觉得自己有多深刻，而是应该正视自己的缺点，把自己变成一个正常人（就像他在街边遇到的那对“浅薄但恩爱”的情侣），再来重新思考生活和爱情的意义。

说实话，以前的我，非常像艾维.辛格，我在看这部电影时，感到电影讽刺的就是以前的我。但我没有艾维.辛格那样幸运，至少他还能把到几个漂亮妹子。而我直到30岁时，才意识到自己满身的缺点，进行了深刻地反思并且重塑了自己的价值观，才谈了我人生中的第一场恋爱。但幸运的是，我第一次恋爱就遇到了我的真爱，并且结婚生子。

什么是爱，我在30岁时才彻底明白：爱不是索取、控制、满足欲望或者一时冲动；爱是自律，是付出，是包容，是牺牲。一段好的爱情，当然需要神交，而且神交确实比性交重要，但这并不意味着别人就要完全按照你的意志去做。一段好的爱情，应该让双方都变得更好、更自信才对，最好能够互相欣赏。

抱怨和指责并不会解决爱情中产生的问题，爱情需要努力地经营。电影《七宗罪》里，摩根.弗里曼说：挣钱比花钱要难，教育小孩比打骂小孩要难，经营婚姻比离婚要难，爱费心费力，并且成本高昂，需要努力和坚持才行。

而艾维.辛格显然并不理解这些，他自私，不包容，不愿意为别人牺牲，只在乎他自己的感受。

其实，伍迪.艾伦也可能并不理解什么是爱。

《安妮.霍尔》是部半自传电影，我觉得艾维.辛格其实很像伍迪.艾伦自己，而电影里艾维.辛格的毛病也可能就是伍迪艾伦自己身上的毛病，艾维.辛格对于两性的观点很大一部分也是伍迪艾伦自己的观点。电影里对艾维.辛格这类人，与其说是讽刺，还不如说是自嘲。

伍迪艾伦之前结了两次婚，都离了。他也交往了好几任女友，米娅法罗甚至为他生了俩儿子，但最后还是分手。后来他甚至娶了自己的养女。而在之前的ME TOO运动中，伍迪艾伦也卷入其中，甚至曝出他猥亵七岁女童的新闻。而我坚信，一个懂得什么是爱的男人不会是这样的人生。一个人事业上的成功并不能说明他的心智和品德都是成熟的。一个导演，导出来的片子很成功，也不能说明他在影片里表达的观点就总是对的。

最后我要说，我非常喜欢这部电影的拍摄手法，比如伍迪艾伦直接对着镜头跟观众讲话；排队时跟别人辩论时直接把书的作者从广告牌后面拉出来；老师批评年幼的艾维时，成年艾维突然出现在座位上；跟骑警表达自己观点时插入白雪公主的卡通；跟安妮讲述自己童年经历时，直接把画面呈现给现在的自己。这些拍摄手法真是富有想象力，到现在都不过时。还有，1977年，我们国家WENGE刚结束，而人家美国就已经是电影里那样了，差距啊。

所以，我喜欢伍迪艾伦这部电影的风格和拍摄技巧，但我不喜欢他所表达的东西。